https://www.thecut.com/2018/06/a-mother-considers-her-sons-final-thoughts.html
Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for this mother’s loss. Losing a child is always a heart wrenching experience, but especially to suicide. That being said, there are so many erroneous or questionable aspects to this story.
The author states that there were no red flags prior to her son’s suicide, yet she mentions several in her story. According to Ms. Greene, Sol went to college specifically to play soccer and then didn’t get off the bench. Sol also asked his parents to stop coming to the soccer games. These would be two big red flags to me. I also have the feeling that there must have been some other “impulsive” activity in Sol’s life that is being left out of the story.
Ms. Greene writes about Anthony Bourdain and how his mother said she would never think of him as committing suicide. Bourdain was an addict… who still drank alcohol. Substance and alcohol addictions often start as maladaptive stress responses… and I would argue that suicide is also a maladaptive stress response. Through the view of this new paradigm, so called “impulsive” suicides can be seen less as outliers of behavioral patterns. Also, most of what I have read regarding impulsive suicides deals with young people, mostly teens. I can’t remember reading anything about people in their 60’s committing impulsive suicide without a pattern of impulsive behavior.
Ms. Greene quotes Kevin Hines regarding his suicide attempt… “Kevin climbed over the railing, leaned back, let go, and felt, he says, ‘instant regret, powerful, overwhelming. As I fell, all I wanted to do was reach back to the rail, but it was gone.’ He plummetted [sic] 220 feet in four seconds, going 75 miles per hour and wracked by the thought all the way down: What have I just done? I don’t want to die. God, please save me… He wants everyone to know that the act of suicide leads not to a final sense of satisfaction and relief but to panic-stricken sorrow.” When I shot myself through the heart with a 9mm handgun in November of 1998, it was one of the most peaceful things of my life. After I shot myself, I fell to the ground. I reached out for someone to hold my hand because I did not want to die alone… but I still wanted to die. I was not sorry I had shot myself. I was not “hanging on to life.” Laying there on the ground bleeding and gasping… in the 60 seconds before I passed, was very calm and peaceful. This fact always scared most therapists from working with me afterwards.
“You said your arms would always hold me
You said you lips were mine alone to kiss
Now after all those things you told me
How can it end like this”
Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.
Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.
*****************************************************
From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you
The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.
Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.
TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.
Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me
The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt
Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body
Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.
Attitude of a porcupine
Feeling alone with him or without him
A wide variety of people keep telling me that I should “just get over” Lena. They act as if there is something wrong with me because I am “still” sad about our marriage ending. I was with Lena for eight years. What is an appropriate amount of time to be sad over the marriage ending? Is there some cut off date after which I should not cry when I hear a love song that makes me think of her? Is there some predetermined amount of time, that no one has told me about, when it is no longer socially acceptable to be sad over such things?
A friend of mine even suggested I watch a TED Talk by Guy Winch entitled, “How to Heal a Broken Heart.” Winch says that brain imaging studies have shown that suffering from a broken heart is physiologically the same as drug withdrawal. Winch continues on with his advice for healing a broken heart: make a list of all of the bad things about your ex and keep them on your phone… Every time you start to think positive thoughts about them, which he calls “romanticizing them,” look at your phone to remind yourself of the truth — all of the bad things.
Based solely on this video, I think Guy Winch is an ass. I have heard others make similar claims about brain scans and breakups drawing analogies to drugs. I, personally, don’t think everything can be broken down to biological explanations. If we take this assertion at face value, we would have to draw the conclusion that love is bad and should be avoided. If being in love can lead to “withdrawal” on the same level as illicit drugs, it seems rational to avoid being in love. I have argued many times with other “experts” about the biological basis of psychology… I don’t buy it. My second issue with Winch is his advice… write a list of all the horrible things about your ex to help you get over them. This idea totally discounts the fact (at least I think it’s a fact) that love is not logical. I wrote out a list of all of Lena’s “negatives” and all of the reasons we were “not right” for one another. You know what? It did not change the fact one fucking bit that I loved her! Love is not logical. I am sure it was not logical for Lena and I to get married. I know for a fact that her mother gave her many reasons why I was a bad choice for her. I could easily come up with a list of why I am a bad choice for anyone. I was perfectly aware of reasons why she wasn’t “perfect” even when I was actively falling in love with her. If healing a broken heart was as easy as making a shit list about the ex… then maybe it wasn’t really love to start with.
I fully realize that we live in a disposable society. Your TV breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one. Your oven breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one. Many people, who can afford to, even treat cars this way… Oh the car has 50,000 miles… better get rid of it and buy a new one. And… now… we treat relationships the same way. Your marriage is “broken,” don’t worry… throw it out and get a new one. Think I am over simplifying? Look on Amazon for books on divorce. They are almost all written for women… and they all seem to be saying that divorce is the woman’s answer to all of life’s ills.
This first book almost made me want to commit hara kiri! It’s all about the “sisterhood of divorce.” Seriously. Vomit.
“For the more than one million women who get divorced each year, welcome to your support group… Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club”
“Crazy Time offers a sense of hope and confidence that this transition is not only an ending but can also be a valuable beginning.”
Here’s a guide on “protecting your financial future,” i.e. How to screw your husband financially.
“Begin your single life knowing you have made the thoughtful decisions required to help establish your long-term financial security.
Think Financially, Not Emotionally® as you look ahead to a bright future for yourself and your children. ”
I have always said that unfortunately we humans only grow through the negative experiences in our lives. But, does that mean we should create negative experiences just to grow?
“Deb Purdy provides a welcomed road map for transforming the trauma of divorce into a positive, life-changing experience. As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with emotional challenges after divorce.” Dan Valentine, Ph.D.
What ever happened to the value of working things out? Is there no value in staying with someone through the good times and the bad? Why do we even keep those words in wedding vows when they seem to have no meaning what-so-ever today. I don’t like our throw away society whether it’s about material items or especially people. I don’t want to be the kind of person who can just get over an 8 year relationship like it’s a busted toaster. Seriously… that’s how people talk to me… as if I should just move on as if it were nothing. Many people in our society seem to act like this. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce. The majority of kids I know are the kids of divorce. All of this despite research showing that marriage makes for healthier adults and healthier children. But I am the mentally ill one because I don’t want to “just move on.”
This is the second “celebrity” suicide this week. We need to have an honest talk about mental health and suicide.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/08/us/anthony-bourdain-obit/index.html