A wide variety of people keep telling me that I should “just get over” Lena. They act as if there is something wrong with me because I am “still” sad about our marriage ending. I was with Lena for eight years. What is an appropriate amount of time to be sad over the marriage ending? Is there some cut off date after which I should not cry when I hear a love song that makes me think of her? Is there some predetermined amount of time, that no one has told me about, when it is no longer socially acceptable to be sad over such things?
A friend of mine even suggested I watch a TED Talk by Guy Winch entitled, “How to Heal a Broken Heart.” Winch says that brain imaging studies have shown that suffering from a broken heart is physiologically the same as drug withdrawal. Winch continues on with his advice for healing a broken heart: make a list of all of the bad things about your ex and keep them on your phone… Every time you start to think positive thoughts about them, which he calls “romanticizing them,” look at your phone to remind yourself of the truth — all of the bad things.
Based solely on this video, I think Guy Winch is an ass. I have heard others make similar claims about brain scans and breakups drawing analogies to drugs. I, personally, don’t think everything can be broken down to biological explanations. If we take this assertion at face value, we would have to draw the conclusion that love is bad and should be avoided. If being in love can lead to “withdrawal” on the same level as illicit drugs, it seems rational to avoid being in love. I have argued many times with other “experts” about the biological basis of psychology… I don’t buy it. My second issue with Winch is his advice… write a list of all the horrible things about your ex to help you get over them. This idea totally discounts the fact (at least I think it’s a fact) that love is not logical. I wrote out a list of all of Lena’s “negatives” and all of the reasons we were “not right” for one another. You know what? It did not change the fact one fucking bit that I loved her! Love is not logical. I am sure it was not logical for Lena and I to get married. I know for a fact that her mother gave her many reasons why I was a bad choice for her. I could easily come up with a list of why I am a bad choice for anyone. I was perfectly aware of reasons why she wasn’t “perfect” even when I was actively falling in love with her. If healing a broken heart was as easy as making a shit list about the ex… then maybe it wasn’t really love to start with.
I fully realize that we live in a disposable society. Your TV breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one. Your oven breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one. Many people, who can afford to, even treat cars this way… Oh the car has 50,000 miles… better get rid of it and buy a new one. And… now… we treat relationships the same way. Your marriage is “broken,” don’t worry… throw it out and get a new one. Think I am over simplifying? Look on Amazon for books on divorce. They are almost all written for women… and they all seem to be saying that divorce is the woman’s answer to all of life’s ills.
This first book almost made me want to commit hara kiri! It’s all about the “sisterhood of divorce.” Seriously. Vomit.
“For the more than one million women who get divorced each year, welcome to your support group… Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club”
“Crazy Time offers a sense of hope and confidence that this transition is not only an ending but can also be a valuable beginning.”
Here’s a guide on “protecting your financial future,” i.e. How to screw your husband financially.
“Begin your single life knowing you have made the thoughtful decisions required to help establish your long-term financial security.
Think Financially, Not Emotionally® as you look ahead to a bright future for yourself and your children. ”
I have always said that unfortunately we humans only grow through the negative experiences in our lives. But, does that mean we should create negative experiences just to grow?
“Deb Purdy provides a welcomed road map for transforming the trauma of divorce into a positive, life-changing experience. As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with emotional challenges after divorce.” Dan Valentine, Ph.D.
What ever happened to the value of working things out? Is there no value in staying with someone through the good times and the bad? Why do we even keep those words in wedding vows when they seem to have no meaning what-so-ever today. I don’t like our throw away society whether it’s about material items or especially people. I don’t want to be the kind of person who can just get over an 8 year relationship like it’s a busted toaster. Seriously… that’s how people talk to me… as if I should just move on as if it were nothing. Many people in our society seem to act like this. Half of all marriages end in divorce. Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce. The majority of kids I know are the kids of divorce. All of this despite research showing that marriage makes for healthier adults and healthier children. But I am the mentally ill one because I don’t want to “just move on.”