Tag: divorce

The Facebook Dilemma and a Serious Regret

I recognize that in the scheme of life Facebook shouldn’t be very important.  As I am going through this separation I am painfully aware of the role of Facebook both in connecting me with Lena and the role it now plays in my OCD missing her.

Lena and I first met when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman.  We dated for a very short while and went our separate ways.  We had no contact for 17 years and then we found one another again, of all places on Facebook.  We spoke for about a month and then started dating.  At some point we changed our “relationship status” to in a relationship… then to engaged… and finally to married.

On my Facebook profile I had an album entitled “Lena & Kids” which eventually had more than 800 pictures chronicling our relationship.  I received so many comments about the photos in that album… people could tell how much I loved Lena and her children.

When Lena confirmed that she wanted me to move out and that she was done working on our marriage I was so hurt.  Hurt beyond words.  Lena is the love of my life.  I had turned my own life upside down to give Lena what she wanted.  I had been part of her childrens’ lives for 8 years.  I had watched them grow up.  Now, with just a blink of the eye it was all gone.  She had given up on us… on me.  She wanted me gone.  She didn’t want me to have contact with her or the kids.  I was besides myself.

In a response to that hurt I deleted the photo album on Facebook of Lena and the kids.  Almost as soon as I had deleted it, I regretted it; and regret it more now.  Like I said, Facebook is insignificant in the expanse of life… but that album represented something that I was so proud of and something that brought me a lot of happiness… my family.  I would give a lot to be able to undo that delete, but I cannot.  I have all of the photos on my computer, but it’s not the same.  I am sorry that I deleted that album.  I try to not have regrets in life because they don’t do any good… but I do regret this.

I now face a dilemma and I don’t want to create another major regret.  Lena has cut off all communication with me.  After I moved out we did not speak but there was an occasional text.  One night when I was in particular distress Lena did talk with me on the phone but there has been no communication since that night.  Lena and I are still “friends” on Facebook.  As such we can see each others’ pages and pictures.  We can also chat on Facebook Messenger.  One of the features of Facebook Messenger is that you can see when a friend is online and if they have read your text to them.

One of the hardest parts of the separation for me is that Lena and I don’t speak at all.  This is someone with whom I spoke to every single day for 8 years.  Even during bad times we still spoke every day.  When I was in Irvington we slept together every single night.  Most nights I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her.  I cherished her… she was the center of my life, even if she didn’t know it (for which I am very sorry).

The end of communication set of horrible anxiety.  There are times when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot help myself… I text her.  Most of the time the text is just a smiley emoji or a kissy face emoji.  Once in a while I actually text words… most of the time, “I love you” or “I miss you.”  She doesn’t respond.  But… I can tell when she is on Messenger and I can tell that she has or has not read the texts.

If you have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks you really cannot understand how debilitating it can be.  The first two weeks I was gone the anxiety was so bad that I actually developed a physical arrhythmia.  I had chest pain on a daily basis that felt like I was having a heart attack.  The anxiety was sustained and never ending and led to me having a migraine headache for more than two weeks straight.  I felt like I would die… and that was OK with me.

In two days it will be one month since I have seen Lena.  I still have anxiety every day.  I still miss her so frick’n much!  Luckily, I don’t have the arrhythmia most days at this point and the migraine has subsided for the most part.  But I still obsessively check Facebook Messenger to see if she is online or if she has seen the latest emoji I texted.

A couple of days ago I even sent Lena a text asking why she hasn’t unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook.  No response.  So… my dilemma… should I block her?  By blocking her I wouldn’t be able to see when she is online.  I wouldn’t be able to text her anymore.  Blocking her would force me to stop my obsessive behavior… but it would also be final.  I know that if I freaked out after blocking her and then unblocked her – she would not accept a new friend request.  So I need to be 100% sure before I do anything… and it all sucks.  I can’t bring myself to block her.  I can’t stop myself from looking at her profile picture.  I don’t seem to be able to stop sending her emojis.  I fully realize this makes me sound totally pathetic… that’s what a broken heart will do to a man.

Life Lessons:  Think before you act.  Seriously.  I know this sounds simple and obvious.  Don’t make decisions out of anger.  Ten seconds can effect the rest of your life.

19 Years as a “Dead Man Walking”… and Another Chance in Life

On April 24th 1999 I was facing an impossible decision.  My wife at the time, Ava, was demanding that I sign our divorce papers by that day,  She said that if I did we could remain friends {which she knew was very important to me}, but that if I didn’t she would get the divorce without my signing and she would never speak to me again.  I had had the papers in my possession for several weeks and just could not bring myself to sign them.

That morning I went to church seeking guidance from God.  I took the divorce papers, a photograph from our wedding, and a bag with 1,000 pills in it that I had been hoarding for my eventual suicide.  I sat in the church for hours praying for God to give me some sign that I was strong enough to get through this divorce.  I loved Ava more than life and could not imagine living not being married to her.  After hours of sitting there I just started to take the pills.  Apparently I took 900+ pills sitting there in the church pew.  I don’t remember the rest of the day as I blacked out.  I ended up in a local hospital in a coma for three days.  When I walked out of the hospital I had no physical ramifications from the overdose which was a miracle.  Ava was true to her word, she has not communicated with me since that morning.

Surviving the overdose was the second miracle I had experienced in six months.  In November of 1998 I shot myself in the chest at point blank range with a 9mm handgun.  The bullet went through my chest and exited my back.  The skin over my chest plate has a scar, but there is no hole in the chest plate.  Between the entrance and exit wounds are my heart and lungs, but neither were hit by the bullet.  There was zero medical explanation for how I survived the shooting the way I had.  The doctors called it a miracle!  While I was in the hospital everyone came to visit and see “the miracle.”  To this day there is no scientific explanation for how I survived either the shooting or the overdose.

After the second suicide attempt I ultimately ended up being a patient at the Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge, MA.  At my entrance interview Dr. S. said that statistically I was a, “dead man walking.”  There was no explanation for how I had survived and according to all of the psychology and psychiatry statistics I would not live.

I had developed suicidal ideation before reaching puberty and spoke of it often as a child and teen.  My serious attempts did not happen until my divorce in my late 20′s.  Since then I had one long term relationship and then got married almost seven years ago to my second wife, Lena.  Last month Lena asked me for a divorce… 19 years since my first divorce.  During that nineteen years I have done many things and thought I had made all kinds of progress.  I have had some depressive episodes.  There have been a few times when I drank too much or drank too much and took some pills.  I even ended up in the ER twice because of these types of episodes.  But I have not had a serious suicide attempt since 1999.  As of a year ago, I would have said that the possibility of a real suicide attempt was behind me.

When Lena told me that our marriage was over and she wanted out… to my shock and dismay… all of those old feelings came flooding back.  It was as if I was back 20 years ago hearing those same words and feeling the same feelings.  All of the work I had done and the progress I had made seemed to just go out the window and meant nothing.  Now… I did not try to kill myself.  I don’ t want to kill myself.  I have no plan to kill myself,  But I do suffer from terrible anxiety surrounding this separation and that anxiety sometimes lends itself to suicidal ideation.

I love Lena and her children with all of my heart.  I know that I was not the best husband and that there were many things that I could have done better.  There are times when I feel like I cannot imagine living away from her… but I know that I can.  This blog is going to be about my journey through this divorce.  I will journal about my feelings and what I am going through (probably ad nauseum to some people).  I will compare how I am dealing with things now versus 20 years ago.  I will talk about the psychology of suicide.  I will discuss things like therapy and medications.  What worked for me and what didn’t.  I have some very strong opinions, some of which go against current medical models and societal norms.  I will write about love, marriage and divorce, step parenting and not being a biological parent.

I don’t know how this journey will end.  I have lived now for 19 years as a dead man walking.  I hope this current situation doesn’t end me and I live for another 20 years.  I always saw my marriage to Lena as a 2nd chance.  Well, here is to hoping for a another chance at life.  I hope to offer some insight for people suffering with some of the same issues, or family members of people who have suicided.  Please feel free to comment or write me and let me know what you think.