LIFE LESSONS – Deadman Living

Knowing She Wanted Me to Suicide… Kept Me Alive

I wasn’t looking to get married. I had been down that road before and I had gotten burned, badly. I started to date Lena in 2010 and I fell for her hard and quickly, but it wasn’t me that pushed to get married. Lena wanted to get married and so we did. I don’t remember when this conversation happened, but we were sitting on a bark bench looking out on the Hudson River in Rivertown. It was either shortly before we got married or shortly afterwards. I remember Lena asking how long it would take for my walls to come down and for me to fully trust that she loved me and would always be there for me. Lena said disparaging things about the women in my life prior to her… things along the lines of, “These women really fucked you up. I am not those women.” Lena went on to reiterate that she would not hurt me and that she was in this for the long haul. Furthermore, she said, “I am going to love you like no other woman ever has. I’m gonna love you better.” That should have been a huge red flag, and it probably was… but I ignored it because I did love her, and I did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Life happened and seven and a half years later Lena no longer wanted to be by my side. Lena no longer wanted to be married to me. Lena wanted a divorce; just like Ava and several of “those women from my past,” who had destroyed my heart and my trust in love. When Ava wanted the divorce, she told me point blank and it was over. Lena didn’t end things that way. Lena told me to leave and then things stayed that way for a few months. I had hired a matrimony lawyer to represent my interests in the divorce. The lawyer had Lena served with papers and Lena totally freaked out. How could I do this to her? Couldn’t we deal with this just the two of us without lawyers? Lena convinced me to fire my lawyer against everyone’s advice. I did fire my lawyer. Lena immediately started pressuring me to sign a legal separation agreement without the counsel of a lawyer; just weeks after the death of my father.

After the death of my father, asking me when I will be coming down to Rivertown next because she supposedly wanted to see me and spend time with me. It was all lies and manipulation. I fell for all of it.

Then Lena said that she needed a legal separation so that she could rediscover who she was and who we were to each other. This was the first calculated vicious manipulation towards getting me to commit suicide. I didn’t understand what Lena was asking for. Yes, of course I know what a legal separation is, but I did not understand what she meant when she said that she needed this so we could rediscover who we were to each other. I asked her, “What does that mean? Are we going to sign a legal separation agreement and then start dating each other?” She answered that she did not know… maybe. Seriously. And I, the love blind idiot I was, agreed. Luckily, I did ad some language to the separation agreement that made it non-binding.

All my friends and family said that I was being manipulated and that I was being an idiot. Part of me thought it was ridiculous and that I probably was being an idiot… but Lena had said that I was the love of her life. She said she still loved me. She still proclaimed that I was the love of her life as we were signing the separation agreement. I have hundreds of pages of texts between us filled with proclamations of love from her to me and me to her. In these texts she tells me she still loves me. She tells me that I am still the love of her life. She tells me that she needs this separation for herself so that she can rebuild herself and discover who she now is.

Just days before getting me to sign a separation agreement.

I went down to Rivertown a month or so before we signed the separation agreement and Lena and I met in a park down by the Hudson. We spoke for a couple of hours sitting on a bench. She put her arms around me. She put her arms around my neck. She held my hand… and when we parted, she kissed me passionately… I mean deep tongue kiss like we did when we first started to date… with tears in her eyes telling me that she loved me. This happened again on the day we signed the separation agreement… After signing the document in front of a notary, we were out in the bank parking lot and she hugged me… tightly… with tears running down her face and she kissed me deeply passionately again. As we parted, she told me that she loved me. I never saw her again until we both had to show up to divorce court.

The separation agreement clearly states that Lena had to maintain my health insurance. Within a few months she cancelled my insurance. I no longer had access to doctors or prescription medications unless I could pay cash out of pocket. Lena switched jobs and claimed that her new employer wouldn’t cover me; I don’t know if that is true. Regardless, she was legally required to maintain health insurance for me, and she did not. She did buy some totally bogus health plan that supposedly covers 4 or 5 doctor visits a year and some medications. Every doctor I showed the card to said it was fake and I had to pay cash out of pocket.

When Lena and I first started to date I was 100% honest with her about all my mental health issues and history. She knows all about my suicidality and suicide attempts and anxieties over abandonment issues. During our marriage Lena experienced both my depression and suicidal ideation. I was totally honest and open with her more than I had ever been with anyone in my life. When we separated, she used all of what I had told her against me. I don’t mean that she used it against me in court… she used it to manipulate me into signing a separation agreement under totally false pretenses (that we would date and that she still loved me). She used my unconditional love of her and her children to convince me to fire my attorney. Then after the death of my father, which she knew was devastating to me, she cancelled my health insurance cutting me off from doctors and antidepressant medications and my pain medications.

How could anyone look at the lies and manipulations Lena perpetrated combined with cutting off necessary medical care and not conclude that she wanted me to kill myself? Being a widow to a dead husband you no longer love, need, or care about, is certainly easier than being a two-time divorcee. Yes, I think that Lena would prefer for me to kill myself and that she has done her best to manipulate both my mood and my access to health care towards that goal. I won’t give her the satisfaction. Knowing that she wants me to suicide has pissed me off enough that although I have been suicidally depressed at times, I won’t give her the satisfaction! So, I am alive 😛

Lofty Goals Require Digging Deep Into Painful Memories

I have set some lofty goals for myself for this year and next. In order to get my goals achieved I will have to dig down and through some painful memories with Lena, Ava and some other people. I have to go back and read hundreds of social media posts by myself and these women whom I have loved more than my own life… I have to read hundreds of pages of saved text messages. This is going to hurt… worse than shooting myself in this chest, but it has to be done.

Came across these posts from Lena that she posted to Facebook and I just tear up and wonder what went wrong?

Worst Advice Given to Young People…

“Don’t worry… You have plenty of time.”

When I was in my teens and 20’s, my paternal grandmother, Nana, use to always tell me this, “Don’t worry Richard. You have plenty of time to figure out XYZ.” I know Nana meant well and that she loved me dearly, but there was and is no worse advice that can be given to a young person, in my opinion.

Time is the most valuable thing in our lives because it’s the one thing that we can never get back. We can always earn more money, switch careers, go back to school, marry, etc. Even though I was suicidal by the age of 10 and never looked forward to much in life and thought my time here was short, I still did not value time and wasted soooo much of it.

My advice to young people would be to get as many experiences as possible because at some point life will bog you down and you may not get the chance again. Now I am not talking about getting experiences like getting drunk or doing drugs… take it from someone who has been though some shit… nothing good comes from drugs or alcohol; and this most definitely includes marijuana. Period. (The occasional artist who claims to have found inspiration through drugs and alcohol is almost guaranteed to also be a miserable SOB or now dead.)

No, I am talking about meeting different kinds of people. Experiencing different ways of life. Looking outside the bubble you are growing up in and open yourself up to all of the possibilities of the universe. And yes, you are growing up in a bubble regardless of whether you are growing up in NYC or east bumfuck redneckville. I grew up on a college campus in a college town an hour outside NYC and thought it had offered me insight to a wide range of life; and perhaps it did, but it was still a bubble and there was so much more to the world and life than I experienced growing up at Stony Brook University.

Figure out what you are passionate about, because you may not have the chance later in life. Pursue your passions. If you want to paint, then paint. If you want to write, then write. If you want to help people, then help people. Pursue multiple passions. Don’t pigeonhole yourself (life will try to do that on its’ own). Do it now! Tomorrow may be too late. Life happens… we go to school, we get jobs, we get married, we have kids, we have jobs, we take on enormous stupid debt and then we’re stuck and may not have the chance to figure out what truly makes us tick. If you think this sounds too negative or unrealistic… log onto an online dating site and read the profiles of people in their late 30′ and 40’s! These sites are filled with people who let life get away from them and find themselves alone and unfulfilled as adults… at ages where it may be too late.

Now I am not talking about finding your passion in terms of figuring out what you want to do in life or as a career. Not everyone works at a job associated with a passion. Perhaps your passion will be a life long hobby or interest, regardless, figure it out as earlier as possible. Passions can support us when life gets hard, and life will get hard.

Also, and perhaps more importantly than passions, value the time you have with people whom you care about and love because we never know when those people will no longer be in our lives. Be appreciative of the teacher that takes the extra time to explain something to you or check on you when you obviously are struggling. Tell the people you love that you love them — don’t assume they know — tell them and tell them often… whether it’s a parent or grand parent or cousin or friend or lover. If you love someone don’t hold back and don’t be afraid to tell them. Don’t be stingy with your heart because you think that you have more time. Seriously, if today were the last day of your life who would you want to know that they were loved by you? Tell them. Show them in not just your words but in your actions. Don’t assume you will have time to make up for being an ass; we often don’t.

Plan for a future but don’t assume there will be a future. There is something to the old cliche, “Live each day as if you are dying,” because whether you are imminently dying or not, we are all dying all of the time, so make the most of every moment. Please.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you’re older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I’d something more to say.Home
Home again
I like to be here
When I canWhen I come home
Cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones
Beside the fireFar away
Across the field
Tolling on the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spell

Misinformation Does Not Help Anyone

Misinformation does not help anyone regardless of the good intentions. I saw this meme on LinkIn and my comment is below…

This may be true for some mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. It would also be true to say many mental illnesses have a no fault genetic predisposition. However, many mental illnesses do have fault… Not necessarily with the person suffering from the illness… Perhaps their parents, foster parents, spouse, a stranger or a situation out of their control… But someone is often to blame for the expression of the genetic predisposition… This is called epigenetics. This “there are no losers, everyone is a winner, no one is to blame” attitude is part of the reason for the spike in suicides and drug usage in America.

Lena’s Perspective

Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.

Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.

*****************************************************
From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you

The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.

Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.

TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.

Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me

The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt

Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body

Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.

Attitude of a porcupine

Feeling alone with him or without him

Another Life Lesson

Love’s Delusions & Love Matured

I have been away from Lena for five weeks at this point. One thing that has become crystal clear this past month is that love does truly blind us. Love changes how we see the object of our desire. Love allows us to let the little things, that would otherwise upset us, go. Love has such enormous power over our brains that it can even change the way we see someone physically with our eyes. Love often doesn’t make sense.

I spent most of the day yesterday feeling sad because I miss Lena so… despite the fact that she pushed me away… despite the fact that she has cruelly cut off all communication between us and between me and her kids whom I helped raise for eight years. I miss her even though intellectually I can give ten reasons why we weren’t a good match for one another. I yearn for her even though she was really unfair to me in our marriage and I can now see that she never accepted me for who I really am. My heart physically aches even though Lena was often neither kind, loving or caring. I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. Lena is an amazing woman. I love her with all of my heart and soul.

It’s very interesting to me… as I have been living through this round of heartbreak, I have noticed that some things are very different from love sorrows of the past. People ask me, “What do you miss about Lena?” I miss bringing her coffee in the mornings. I miss wrapping my arm tightly around her as we fell asleep. I miss washing her back and shampooing her hair. I miss watching her dress in the morning and pulling the zipper up on her dress. I miss cooking dinner for the kids and watching them enjoy it. I miss watching the kids sporting events. Almost all of the things I actively miss are things I did for Lena and her kids. Whereas, during past episodes of heartbreak many of the things I missed were things the person had done for me. Does this mean I have matured? Am I less of the narcissistic prick I used to be?

I could very easily find someone else to bring coffee to… but I don’t find myself interested in doing these things for someone else. Despite the negatives I now see more clearly as love’s blinders have been removed with time away from Lena…I still miss her. I still ache in my very soul for her. I still love her.

Love alters reality. This isn’t just true of romantic love; it’s also true of familial love – but that is for another post.

Deals with the Devil Never Work Out

In the fall of 2017 I was working in Vermont. Each morning I would either talk to or text with Lena. On the morning of October 4th, I was texting with her about the up coming weekend and my plans to come down and spend time with her and the kids. Lena texted me that she didn’t think I should come down. It wasn’t really clear what she meant and I pushed her to explain. Lena told me in a text message that she wanted to end our marriage. She said she could not go on like this anymore and that she deserved to be happy. She kept saying, “I have to do this for me and for my kids.”

I was devastated. I knew things could be better. I knew that some key aspects of our marriage were not the way Lena would have chosen them to be at this point. When we first started dating and got married, I had a home and some work in upstate New York while Lena and her children lived full time in Rivertown NY. At the time of our marriage I agreed to spend up to half of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and the kids and I would attempt to build some business down there. This was an unconventional arrangement that many people did not understand. I thought Lena understood it and why I needed to not live downstate full time.

Let me back up a little… I grew up on Long Island and as a child my parents had a second home in Southern Vermont. We spent many weekends, most school vacations and every summer up in Vermont. I always loved Vermont and was determined to live there some day as a child. During the five years I was in college I dropped out two or three times, each time moving to Vermont for a few months. After being in Vermont for a while I would feel refreshed… like my batteries had been recharged. I would return to school and get through a few semesters before dropping out again and hibernating in Vermont to refuel my soul.

The last year of my marriage to Ava we were living in College Station GA. When Ava asked for a divorce I could have moved anywhere. I moved to Vermont full time. Although I did attempt suicide twice while living in Vermont, I still maintain that there is something very therapeutic about living in the mountain and being out in nature. For several years I owned a property maintenance business which kept me busy working outside year round. The work was both physically demanding and emotionally undemanding…. a combination that allowed me to heal in many ways.

When I started dating Lena I was determined to learn from my mistakes of the past. I was 100% honest with her. I told her all about my suicide attempts, my marriage and divorce from Ava. She heard countless stories about my dysfunctional family as a child. I told her about all of my shortcomings and issues. I made sure that at every step forward Lena knew exactly what she was getting into. I told her that I could never live downstate full-time; I needed my time in the country to regroup and maintain my sanity and physical health.

So, back to October 2017… Lena ended our marriage in a text message. I was devastated. All of the progress I had thought I had made the past 20 years, in terms of my suicidal ideation, flew out the window. I almost immediately started having panic attacks whenever I left the house at first; then even at home, so all of the time. I wanted to be dead. I told Lena that I could not live without her and that I wanted to be dead. I posted numerous sad songs (YouTube videos) on Facebook. I wrote on Facebook that even with all of the pain I had been through previously in my life, this was the worst pain ever. Lena said my behavior, the post on Facebook, were crazy. That will be another entry here.

I did feel crazy for about a week. I also was acting in a manipulative manner… texting Lena my suicidal thoughts and desires. A week into this total shit storm I still did not really know why this had happened then. I called up Lena and begged her to speak with me on the phone and to just give me some explanation. I said that she at least owed me that much. We did speak and she gave me some of her reasons but we didn’t really get to the meat of the matter. After the phone call I agreed to not bother her anymore.

Several days past during which I stopped posting “crazy” stuff on Facebook and I did not reach out at all to Lena. One night, about two weeks after the initial break up text, Lena reached out to me via a Facebook message. I was asleep at the time but did return her text the next morning. We ended up speaking on the phone. At this time Lena said she could no longer live with the arrangement we made when we got married… my living down with her and the kids only 50% of the time. She said she asked for the divorce because she knew how much I loved the country and that I needed my time there. She said she still loved me, was still in love with me and missed me. We both ended up crying on the phone.

What Lena did not know was that after our phone call, before her texting me, I had made a deal with the Devil. After the “explanation phone call” I had promised myself that if Lena changed her mind and was ever willing to try again, I would do anything she asked without hesitation regardless of what it was. I also promised myself that I would keep my mouth shut about anything that might be bothering me in Rivertown or in our home there. It was a promise made in total desperation. When Lena did reach out a few days later I came through on that promise to myself.

Lena wanted a “normal life” and a “normal marriage.” She wanted us to live together full-time. She wanted me to get a regular job. Lena said she did not think I would be willing to do these things so she felt she had no other choice but to end the marriage. I said, “I will move down there next week. Full-time. Period.” I even told her that I would get a real job.

Lena and I ended up reconciling. I packed up a few things and closed down my house. I quit working and just walked away from my life in the country. I moved down to Rivertown at the end of October 2017. The problem with promises or deals made in desperation is that it’s almost impossible to keep them and remain sane and true to oneself.

The first few weeks living with Lena and the kids full-time was really nice. However, almost from the very first day I was there I found myself biting my tongue. At first it was just once in a while because at the beginning we were all in love again like when we first started dating. As time went by I found myself biting my tongue about all kinds of things day in and day out. It was a constant effort on my part. I knew to some degree that I was not being fair to myself but I said I was doing it “for our marriage.” Also, no one can hold in all negative emotions or comments without some eventual blow up. When I did finally blow up, which I will write about soon, I said something I can never take back and forever changed my relationship with Lena.

Life Lesson: Don’t ever make promises out of fear or desperation. They never hold true in the long run.

The Facebook Dilemma and a Serious Regret

I recognize that in the scheme of life Facebook shouldn’t be very important. As I am going through this separation I am painfully aware of the role of Facebook both in connecting me with Lena and the role it now plays in my OCD missing her.

Lena and I first met when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman. We dated for a very short while and went our separate ways. We had no contact for 17 years and then we found one another again, of all places on Facebook. We spoke for about a month and then started dating. At some point we changed our “relationship status” to in a relationship… then to engaged… and finally to married.

On my Facebook profile I had an album entitled “Lena & Kids” which eventually had more than 800 pictures chronicling our relationship. I received so many comments about the photos in that album… people could tell how much I loved Lena and her children.

When Lena confirmed that she wanted me to move out and that she was done working on our marriage I was so hurt. Hurt beyond words. Lena is the love of my life. I had turned my own life upside down to give Lena what she wanted. I had been part of her childrens’ lives for 8 years. I had watched them grow up. Now, with just a blink of the eye it was all gone. She had given up on us… on me. She wanted me gone. She didn’t want me to have contact with her or the kids. I was besides myself.

In a response to that hurt I deleted the photo album on Facebook of Lena and the kids. Almost as soon as I had deleted it, I regretted it; and regret it more now. Like I said, Facebook is insignificant in the expanse of life… but that album represented something that I was so proud of and something that brought me a lot of happiness… my family. I would give a lot to be able to undo that delete, but I cannot. I have all of the photos on my computer, but it’s not the same. I am sorry that I deleted that album. I try to not have regrets in life because they don’t do any good… but I do regret this.

I now face a dilemma and I don’t want to create another major regret. Lena has cut off all communication with me. After I moved out we did not speak but there was an occasional text. One night when I was in particular distress Lena did talk with me on the phone but there has been no communication since that night. Lena and I are still “friends” on Facebook. As such we can see each others’ pages and pictures. We can also chat on Facebook Messenger. One of the features of Facebook Messenger is that you can see when a friend is online and if they have read your text to them.

One of the hardest parts of the separation for me is that Lena and I don’t speak at all. This is someone with whom I spoke to every single day for 8 years. Even during bad times we still spoke every day. When I was in Irvington we slept together every single night. Most nights I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her. I cherished her… she was the center of my life, even if she didn’t know it (for which I am very sorry).

The end of communication set of horrible anxiety. There are times when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot help myself… I text her. Most of the time the text is just a smiley emoji or a kissy face emoji. Once in a while I actually text words… most of the time, “I love you” or “I miss you.” She doesn’t respond. But… I can tell when she is on Messenger and I can tell that she has or has not read the texts.

If you have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks you really cannot understand how debilitating it can be. The first two weeks I was gone the anxiety was so bad that I actually developed a physical arrhythmia. I had chest pain on a daily basis that felt like I was having a heart attack. The anxiety was sustained and never ending and led to me having a migraine headache for more than two weeks straight. I felt like I would die… and that was OK with me.

In two days it will be one month since I have seen Lena. I still have anxiety every day. I still miss her so frick’n much! Luckily, I don’t have the arrhythmia most days at this point and the migraine has subsided for the most part. But I still obsessively check Facebook Messenger to see if she is online or if she has seen the latest emoji I texted.

A couple of days ago I even sent Lena a text asking why she hasn’t unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook. No response. So… my dilemma… should I block her? By blocking her I wouldn’t be able to see when she is online. I wouldn’t be able to text her anymore. Blocking her would force me to stop my obsessive behavior… but it would also be final. I know that if I freaked out after blocking her and then unblocked her – she would not accept a new friend request. So I need to be 100% sure before I do anything… and it all sucks. I can’t bring myself to block her. I can’t stop myself from looking at her profile picture. I don’t seem to be able to stop sending her emojis. I fully realize this makes me sound totally pathetic… that’s what a broken heart will do to a man.

Life Lessons: Think before you act. Seriously. I know this sounds simple and obvious. Don’t make decisions out of anger. Ten seconds can effect the rest of your life.

19 Years as a “Dead Man Walking”… and Another Chance in Life

On April 24th 1999 I was facing an impossible decision. My wife at the time, Ava, was demanding that I sign our divorce papers by that day, She said that if I did we could remain friends {which she knew was very important to me}, but that if I didn’t she would get the divorce without my signing and she would never speak to me again. I had had the papers in my possession for several weeks and just could not bring myself to sign them.

That morning I went to church seeking guidance from God. I took the divorce papers, a photograph from our wedding, and a bag with 1,000 pills in it that I had been hoarding for my eventual suicide. I sat in the church for hours praying for God to give me some sign that I was strong enough to get through this divorce. I loved Ava more than life and could not imagine living not being married to her. After hours of sitting there I just started to take the pills. Apparently I took 900+ pills sitting there in the church pew. I don’t remember the rest of the day as I blacked out. I ended up in a local hospital in a coma for three days. When I walked out of the hospital I had no physical ramifications from the overdose which was a miracle. Ava was true to her word, she has not communicated with me since that morning.

Surviving the overdose was the second miracle I had experienced in six months. In November of 1998 I shot myself in the chest at point blank range with a 9mm handgun. The bullet went through my chest and exited my back. The skin over my chest plate has a scar, but there is no hole in the chest plate. Between the entrance and exit wounds are my heart and lungs, but neither were hit by the bullet. There was zero medical explanation for how I survived the shooting the way I had. The doctors called it a miracle! While I was in the hospital everyone came to visit and see “the miracle.” To this day there is no scientific explanation for how I survived either the shooting or the overdose.

After the second suicide attempt I ultimately ended up being a patient at the Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge, MA. At my entrance interview Dr. S. said that statistically I was a, “dead man walking.” There was no explanation for how I had survived and according to all of the psychology and psychiatry statistics I would not live.

I had developed suicidal ideation before reaching puberty and spoke of it often as a child and teen. My serious attempts did not happen until my divorce in my late 20′s. Since then I had one long term relationship and then got married almost seven years ago to my second wife, Lena. Last month Lena asked me for a divorce… 19 years since my first divorce. During that nineteen years I have done many things and thought I had made all kinds of progress. I have had some depressive episodes. There have been a few times when I drank too much or drank too much and took some pills. I even ended up in the ER twice because of these types of episodes. But I have not had a serious suicide attempt since 1999. As of a year ago, I would have said that the possibility of a real suicide attempt was behind me.

When Lena told me that our marriage was over and she wanted out… to my shock and dismay… all of those old feelings came flooding back. It was as if I was back 20 years ago hearing those same words and feeling the same feelings. All of the work I had done and the progress I had made seemed to just go out the window and meant nothing. Now… I did not try to kill myself. I don’ t want to kill myself. I have no plan to kill myself, But I do suffer from terrible anxiety surrounding this separation and that anxiety sometimes lends itself to suicidal ideation.

I love Lena and her children with all of my heart. I know that I was not the best husband and that there were many things that I could have done better. There are times when I feel like I cannot imagine living away from her… but I know that I can. This blog is going to be about my journey through this divorce. I will journal about my feelings and what I am going through (probably ad nauseum to some people). I will compare how I am dealing with things now versus 20 years ago. I will talk about the psychology of suicide. I will discuss things like therapy and medications. What worked for me and what didn’t. I have some very strong opinions, some of which go against current medical models and societal norms. I will write about love, marriage and divorce, step parenting and not being a biological parent.

I don’t know how this journey will end. I have lived now for 19 years as a dead man walking. I hope this current situation doesn’t end me and I live for another 20 years. I always saw my marriage to Lena as a 2nd chance. Well, here is to hoping for a another chance at life. I hope to offer some insight for people suffering with some of the same issues, or family members of people who have suicided. Please feel free to comment or write me and let me know what you think.