On April 24th 1999 I was facing an impossible decision.  My wife at the time, Ava, was demanding that I sign our divorce papers by that day,  She said that if I did we could remain friends {which she knew was very important to me}, but that if I didn’t she would get the divorce without my signing and she would never speak to me again.  I had had the papers in my possession for several weeks and just could not bring myself to sign them.

That morning I went to church seeking guidance from God.  I took the divorce papers, a photograph from our wedding, and a bag with 1,000 pills in it that I had been hoarding for my eventual suicide.  I sat in the church for hours praying for God to give me some sign that I was strong enough to get through this divorce.  I loved Ava more than life and could not imagine living not being married to her.  After hours of sitting there I just started to take the pills.  Apparently I took 900+ pills sitting there in the church pew.  I don’t remember the rest of the day as I blacked out.  I ended up in a local hospital in a coma for three days.  When I walked out of the hospital I had no physical ramifications from the overdose which was a miracle.  Ava was true to her word, she has not communicated with me since that morning.

Surviving the overdose was the second miracle I had experienced in six months.  In November of 1998 I shot myself in the chest at point blank range with a 9mm handgun.  The bullet went through my chest and exited my back.  The skin over my chest plate has a scar, but there is no hole in the chest plate.  Between the entrance and exit wounds are my heart and lungs, but neither were hit by the bullet.  There was zero medical explanation for how I survived the shooting the way I had.  The doctors called it a miracle!  While I was in the hospital everyone came to visit and see “the miracle.”  To this day there is no scientific explanation for how I survived either the shooting or the overdose.

After the second suicide attempt I ultimately ended up being a patient at the Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge, MA.  At my entrance interview Dr. S. said that statistically I was a, “dead man walking.”  There was no explanation for how I had survived and according to all of the psychology and psychiatry statistics I would not live.

I had developed suicidal ideation before reaching puberty and spoke of it often as a child and teen.  My serious attempts did not happen until my divorce in my late 20′s.  Since then I had one long term relationship and then got married almost seven years ago to my second wife, Lena.  Last month Lena asked me for a divorce… 19 years since my first divorce.  During that nineteen years I have done many things and thought I had made all kinds of progress.  I have had some depressive episodes.  There have been a few times when I drank too much or drank too much and took some pills.  I even ended up in the ER twice because of these types of episodes.  But I have not had a serious suicide attempt since 1999.  As of a year ago, I would have said that the possibility of a real suicide attempt was behind me.

When Lena told me that our marriage was over and she wanted out… to my shock and dismay… all of those old feelings came flooding back.  It was as if I was back 20 years ago hearing those same words and feeling the same feelings.  All of the work I had done and the progress I had made seemed to just go out the window and meant nothing.  Now… I did not try to kill myself.  I don’ t want to kill myself.  I have no plan to kill myself,  But I do suffer from terrible anxiety surrounding this separation and that anxiety sometimes lends itself to suicidal ideation.

I love Lena and her children with all of my heart.  I know that I was not the best husband and that there were many things that I could have done better.  There are times when I feel like I cannot imagine living away from her… but I know that I can.  This blog is going to be about my journey through this divorce.  I will journal about my feelings and what I am going through (probably ad nauseum to some people).  I will compare how I am dealing with things now versus 20 years ago.  I will talk about the psychology of suicide.  I will discuss things like therapy and medications.  What worked for me and what didn’t.  I have some very strong opinions, some of which go against current medical models and societal norms.  I will write about love, marriage and divorce, step parenting and not being a biological parent.

I don’t know how this journey will end.  I have lived now for 19 years as a dead man walking.  I hope this current situation doesn’t end me and I live for another 20 years.  I always saw my marriage to Lena as a 2nd chance.  Well, here is to hoping for a another chance at life.  I hope to offer some insight for people suffering with some of the same issues, or family members of people who have suicided.  Please feel free to comment or write me and let me know what you think.