Tag: separation

“It Happens Everyday,” But it Shouldn’t

It Happens Everyday, Carly Simon

It happens everyday
Two lovers with the best intentions to stay
Together, they decide to separate
Just how it happens, neither is certain
But it happens everyday….
Well, you make him a liar
Turn him into a robber
Well, it happens everyday.

I have had to go to two pre-trial conferences related to my divorce from Lena. I recognize that divorce is often ugly; it doesn’t need to be, but it is. Like the lyrics above say, “Well, you make him a liar. Turn him into a robber.” It’s very sad how two people who once were so much in love can twist history and try to tear one another apart. I have sincerely tried to not go down that road. It’s not what I want at all, but then again, I didn’t want the divorce either. In these two pretrial conferences Lena’s lawyer has said somethings that are just patently false. I don’t know if the false information comes from Lena or this is just a standard page out of her lawyer’s playbook; but it sucks.

I would much rather be told that I got fat and unattractive, that I was a lousy lover, that I was too grumpy or just a plain old asshole, than have lies said about me.

1st Lie

Lena’s lawyer claims that I was unfaithful throughout the marriage. This is plainly and simply FALSE. I never cheated on Lena. I never wanted to cheat on her. I never had eyes for another while I was with her. I was so in love with her and thought she was an amazing, smart and stunningly beautiful woman. I thought we were very compatible sexually and I never felt any reason to look for something anywhere else. Period. Seriously.

So, where does this lie come from? Is it merely a standard page out of the divorce playbook of lawyers? Maybe. It doesn’t make much sense in New York State as it is a no fault state — so infidelity doesn’t matter, if it were true, which it is not. Is Lena projecting? That’s a possibility, but I never thought she was cheating on me during the marriage despite the fact that she openly admitted to cheating on her first husband several times “after she knew the marriage was over but before getting out of it.” I was so in love with her and thought that she was so in love with me that I never thought either of us would cheat. But… maybe she did and now she is projecting; I just don’t know. I do know her mother often accused me of cheating because I spent time at the upstate home without Lena. During the marriage Lena said she knew her mother’s accusations were crap and just part and parcel of her soul cancer. I would have hoped that by now Lena would have realized that nothing good ever comes from allowing her mother’s psychotic mean spirited drivel into her head; again, I just don’t know.

2nd Lie

The second lie is that I never lived in Rivertown with Lena and her children. In last night’s blog post, I wrote how hurtful this lie is because it completely negates everything that I did there for seven years.

When Lena and I were talking about getting married in 2010 and 2011, I was 100% open about my mental illness history and suicide attempt history. I told Lena that I needed to keep the home in upstate NY and spend some amount of time here because living full-time all of the time in Rivertown would not be good for my mental health. I agreed to spend 50% or more of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and her kids. But we both agreed to the idea that we would not necessarily be together 365 nights a year. The first couple of years I thought this arrangement was working OK and I did spend more than half of my time in Rivertown. I drove the kids to their before school program and picked them up from the same program after school. Later I drove the kids to and from school often. There were several times when I closed up the upstate house and spent 4-6 months 24/7 there in Rivertown. I was on the pickup list from the high school for the kids… Why would I be on that list if I never lived there or only came down on weekends? I can subpoena school officials to prove this.

I drove the kids to soccer/basketball/lacrosse/dance practices. I have photos from mid-week practices and games; not just weekend events. I attended dance and concert and play rehearsals; again, I have photos from all of these things. Again, these are mid-week practices; I wasn’t just around on “some weekends.” Dance teachers/coaches and friends can confirm that I was an involved step-parent. One coach wrote in a text message to me that for some period of time it was obvious to him that I was more involved in the lives of my step-children than either of their biological parents… because I wasn’t working (as both parents were) and I took the time to be involved. I was there. I was involved. I was part of a family. I was part of a community. Again, I have tens of thousands of photos proving I was there and that I was involved. I have a list of a dozen people willing to testify under oath about my being there and my level of involvement. I have doctors that I saw regularly down there with records showing visits etc.

It’s a bald face lie that I never lived down there. Did I sell the upstate home and move down there 24/7/365 when we got married? No. I did not. But I spent a significant amount of time there investing in the family, home and community.

Below is a slideshow of just a smattering of the tens of thousands of photos I have of the time I spent living in Rivertown:

View Thumbnails

Lena’s Perspective

Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.

Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.

*****************************************************
From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you

The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.

Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.

TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.

Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me

The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt

Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body

Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.

Attitude of a porcupine

Feeling alone with him or without him

Invalidated, Unaccepted and Rejected

 

I saw this meme online {No one should have to live their life in silence because they’re scared of being invalidated.} and it really made me think about the circumstances that I accepted surrounding the reconciliation with Lena last fall.  Last October, when Lena told me she wanted a divorce, I was in shock and desperately wanted to work things out with her.  I was so desperate that I agreed to circumstances that had no chances of survival.  I gave Lena everything that she asked for and asked not nothing in return, other than to not get divorced.  Part of what Lena needed from me was for me to be in Westchester full-time, to get along with everyone there and for us to have a “normal life” in Westchester.  In order for me to make this request a reality I had to constantly bite my tongue.  Day in and day out was an exercise in me keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself both inside our home and in public.  Even our therapist, Ralph, said this was an impossible scenario to keep up.

This notion of a “normal life” had come up numerous times during our seven year marriage.  Lena married me knowing all of my history.  She knew about my suicide attempts.  She knew about my depressions.  She knew about my totally dysfunctional family of origin.  She knew about my first failed marriage to Ava and the fiasco of a relationship I had with Jessamyn.  Lena knew about all of my hospitalizations and all of my psychiatric history.  So, one can imagine, it came as somewhat of a shock a year into our marriage when Lena said, “I am a normal person.  I want a normal life and a normal marriage.  I need you to be normal.”  This totally blew me away!

Aside from all of my psychiatric history, which was obviously significant, separate from all of that I was never “normal.”  I never wanted to be “normal.”  I had always been an outspoken critic of our government and politically correct social trends.  I had been a long-time and vocal supporter of various underdogs.  I had a long history of writing about my thoughts and predictions for the whole world to read.  I had always been known as someone who told people just how things were; there was no beating around the bush with me.  There was no way I wanted to be a quiet, sheltered, spineless, voiceless suburban mouse!!!!

The first time Lena brought up this issue of desiring normalcy I really wasn’t sure how to react and probably just ignored her.  If she wanted normal, she married the wrong guy.  I am not sure if she had any idea of how hurtful this was on her part.  Her expressing her desire for normalcy was a direct act of invalidating who I was.  She married me knowing exactly what and who I was; and then immediately expected me to change to something completely different.  Why do women marry a man and then try to change him?  If she wanted me to be different she should have told me before we got married.

I don’t remember exactly when certain things were said, but at some point Lena went as far as to say, “You are not a mental patient anymore.”  I assumed, at the time, that she was saying this in a positive way… as in, look how far you have come from the days when your mental illness dominated every aspect of your life.  She may have meant it nicely, but in fact, it was very dismissive of me, my history and in part of my very identity.  There was a point in my life where I allowed my designation as a mental patient to define who I was.  At some point in life, starting before I married Lena, I no longer defined myself by my illnesses.  There were, however, some things that were still important to me that Lena never gave credence to… such as the anniversaries of my suicide attempts.  She never remembered them… she never asked how I was around those times.  To people who have been through what I have, those dates are important.  There were also times of each year that tended to be harder for me, specifically the months of March and November.  I always seemed to struggle more in those months.  Again, Lena either didn’t remember this, despite me telling her several times, or she just didn’t care.  Our marriage ended on a horrible note… in March.

Perhaps I expected too much of Lena because of her work.  Lena is a molecular biologist who studied the biology of suicide.  I thought that she had a better understanding of psychology and specifically of suicide.  Apparently, one can study the biology of suicide, and be good at it, and not understand the psychology of suicide at all.  I also mistakenly thought she was more in tune to me.

 

This image is for artistic representation of a feeling only. It does not represent any threat or intention to harm myself.

This self portrait displays how I felt… I could not speak because Lena had a gun to my head… If I spoke my mind, she would end the marriage.  I was being emotionally held hostage.  I feared Lena would become my Natasha; my father’s third wife who beat his spirit dead and held him emotionally hostage.

The Facebook Dilemma and a Serious Regret

I recognize that in the scheme of life Facebook shouldn’t be very important.  As I am going through this separation I am painfully aware of the role of Facebook both in connecting me with Lena and the role it now plays in my OCD missing her.

Lena and I first met when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman.  We dated for a very short while and went our separate ways.  We had no contact for 17 years and then we found one another again, of all places on Facebook.  We spoke for about a month and then started dating.  At some point we changed our “relationship status” to in a relationship… then to engaged… and finally to married.

On my Facebook profile I had an album entitled “Lena & Kids” which eventually had more than 800 pictures chronicling our relationship.  I received so many comments about the photos in that album… people could tell how much I loved Lena and her children.

When Lena confirmed that she wanted me to move out and that she was done working on our marriage I was so hurt.  Hurt beyond words.  Lena is the love of my life.  I had turned my own life upside down to give Lena what she wanted.  I had been part of her childrens’ lives for 8 years.  I had watched them grow up.  Now, with just a blink of the eye it was all gone.  She had given up on us… on me.  She wanted me gone.  She didn’t want me to have contact with her or the kids.  I was besides myself.

In a response to that hurt I deleted the photo album on Facebook of Lena and the kids.  Almost as soon as I had deleted it, I regretted it; and regret it more now.  Like I said, Facebook is insignificant in the expanse of life… but that album represented something that I was so proud of and something that brought me a lot of happiness… my family.  I would give a lot to be able to undo that delete, but I cannot.  I have all of the photos on my computer, but it’s not the same.  I am sorry that I deleted that album.  I try to not have regrets in life because they don’t do any good… but I do regret this.

I now face a dilemma and I don’t want to create another major regret.  Lena has cut off all communication with me.  After I moved out we did not speak but there was an occasional text.  One night when I was in particular distress Lena did talk with me on the phone but there has been no communication since that night.  Lena and I are still “friends” on Facebook.  As such we can see each others’ pages and pictures.  We can also chat on Facebook Messenger.  One of the features of Facebook Messenger is that you can see when a friend is online and if they have read your text to them.

One of the hardest parts of the separation for me is that Lena and I don’t speak at all.  This is someone with whom I spoke to every single day for 8 years.  Even during bad times we still spoke every day.  When I was in Irvington we slept together every single night.  Most nights I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her.  I cherished her… she was the center of my life, even if she didn’t know it (for which I am very sorry).

The end of communication set of horrible anxiety.  There are times when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot help myself… I text her.  Most of the time the text is just a smiley emoji or a kissy face emoji.  Once in a while I actually text words… most of the time, “I love you” or “I miss you.”  She doesn’t respond.  But… I can tell when she is on Messenger and I can tell that she has or has not read the texts.

If you have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks you really cannot understand how debilitating it can be.  The first two weeks I was gone the anxiety was so bad that I actually developed a physical arrhythmia.  I had chest pain on a daily basis that felt like I was having a heart attack.  The anxiety was sustained and never ending and led to me having a migraine headache for more than two weeks straight.  I felt like I would die… and that was OK with me.

In two days it will be one month since I have seen Lena.  I still have anxiety every day.  I still miss her so frick’n much!  Luckily, I don’t have the arrhythmia most days at this point and the migraine has subsided for the most part.  But I still obsessively check Facebook Messenger to see if she is online or if she has seen the latest emoji I texted.

A couple of days ago I even sent Lena a text asking why she hasn’t unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook.  No response.  So… my dilemma… should I block her?  By blocking her I wouldn’t be able to see when she is online.  I wouldn’t be able to text her anymore.  Blocking her would force me to stop my obsessive behavior… but it would also be final.  I know that if I freaked out after blocking her and then unblocked her – she would not accept a new friend request.  So I need to be 100% sure before I do anything… and it all sucks.  I can’t bring myself to block her.  I can’t stop myself from looking at her profile picture.  I don’t seem to be able to stop sending her emojis.  I fully realize this makes me sound totally pathetic… that’s what a broken heart will do to a man.

Life Lessons:  Think before you act.  Seriously.  I know this sounds simple and obvious.  Don’t make decisions out of anger.  Ten seconds can effect the rest of your life.