Tag: SUICIDAL IDEATION

I recognize that in the scheme of life Facebook shouldn’t be very important.  As I am going through this separation I am painfully aware of the role of Facebook both in connecting me with Lena and the role it now plays in my OCD missing her.

Lena and I first met when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman.  We dated for a very short while and went our separate ways.  We had no contact for 17 years and then we found one another again, of all places on Facebook.  We spoke for about a month and then started dating.  At some point we changed our “relationship status” to in a relationship… then to engaged… and finally to married.

On my Facebook profile I had an album entitled “Lena & Kids” which eventually had more than 800 pictures chronicling our relationship.  I received so many comments about the photos in that album… people could tell how much I loved Lena and her children.

When Lena confirmed that she wanted me to move out and that she was done working on our marriage I was so hurt.  Hurt beyond words.  Lena is the love of my life.  I had turned my own life upside down to give Lena what she wanted.  I had been part of her childrens’ lives for 8 years.  I had watched them grow up.  Now, with just a blink of the eye it was all gone.  She had given up on us… on me.  She wanted me gone.  She didn’t want me to have contact with her or the kids.  I was besides myself.

In a response to that hurt I deleted the photo album on Facebook of Lena and the kids.  Almost as soon as I had deleted it, I regretted it; and regret it more now.  Like I said, Facebook is insignificant in the expanse of life… but that album represented something that I was so proud of and something that brought me a lot of happiness… my family.  I would give a lot to be able to undo that delete, but I cannot.  I have all of the photos on my computer, but it’s not the same.  I am sorry that I deleted that album.  I try to not have regrets in life because they don’t do any good… but I do regret this.

I now face a dilemma and I don’t want to create another major regret.  Lena has cut off all communication with me.  After I moved out we did not speak but there was an occasional text.  One night when I was in particular distress Lena did talk with me on the phone but there has been no communication since that night.  Lena and I are still “friends” on Facebook.  As such we can see each others’ pages and pictures.  We can also chat on Facebook Messenger.  One of the features of Facebook Messenger is that you can see when a friend is online and if they have read your text to them.

One of the hardest parts of the separation for me is that Lena and I don’t speak at all.  This is someone with whom I spoke to every single day for 8 years.  Even during bad times we still spoke every day.  When I was in Irvington we slept together every single night.  Most nights I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her.  I cherished her… she was the center of my life, even if she didn’t know it (for which I am very sorry).

The end of communication set of horrible anxiety.  There are times when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot help myself… I text her.  Most of the time the text is just a smiley emoji or a kissy face emoji.  Once in a while I actually text words… most of the time, “I love you” or “I miss you.”  She doesn’t respond.  But… I can tell when she is on Messenger and I can tell that she has or has not read the texts.

If you have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks you really cannot understand how debilitating it can be.  The first two weeks I was gone the anxiety was so bad that I actually developed a physical arrhythmia.  I had chest pain on a daily basis that felt like I was having a heart attack.  The anxiety was sustained and never ending and led to me having a migraine headache for more than two weeks straight.  I felt like I would die… and that was OK with me.

In two days it will be one month since I have seen Lena.  I still have anxiety every day.  I still miss her so frick’n much!  Luckily, I don’t have the arrhythmia most days at this point and the migraine has subsided for the most part.  But I still obsessively check Facebook Messenger to see if she is online or if she has seen the latest emoji I texted.

A couple of days ago I even sent Lena a text asking why she hasn’t unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook.  No response.  So… my dilemma… should I block her?  By blocking her I wouldn’t be able to see when she is online.  I wouldn’t be able to text her anymore.  Blocking her would force me to stop my obsessive behavior… but it would also be final.  I know that if I freaked out after blocking her and then unblocked her – she would not accept a new friend request.  So I need to be 100% sure before I do anything… and it all sucks.  I can’t bring myself to block her.  I can’t stop myself from looking at her profile picture.  I don’t seem to be able to stop sending her emojis.  I fully realize this makes me sound totally pathetic… that’s what a broken heart will do to a man.

Life Lessons:  Think before you act.  Seriously.  I know this sounds simple and obvious.  Don’t make decisions out of anger.  Ten seconds can effect the rest of your life.