Damaged Beyond Concern

I am forever damaged; yet, I live on.

The fact of the matter is that I have been damaged most of my life. So damaged, and recognized as so damaged ,that those who should have helped me or protected me didn’t. By the age of 15 I had been written off by family and school teachers and administrators.

May 28, 1987
While I was taking a shower tonight I thought of a solution to all of my problems. After I make love with Cat, and I am all happy and cheerful, I should kill myself. That way, at least, I will die happy. You know what they say, “Get out while the getting is good.”

Richard D. Cole, journal entry

In May and June of 1987 I had an affair with one of my high school teachers, Catherine Bishop, and more than a few people knew about it… and no one cared. Cat, as I called her, was twenty years older than me (making her the same age as my mother), was married and had two children, the oldest of which was only a couple of years younger than me.

My father knew. In his infinite wisdom he said, “You can’t rape a willing victim.” My mother knew… In fact, my mother claims to have had a phone conversation with Mrs. Bishop. I only heard of this phone conversation years later and have no idea about it, but she knew. I mentioned to my mother that I was writing this post about this relationship… and her response was, “Please don’t out her.” Think about that! Several male teachers at school knew. I remember them laughing and punching me in the arm and making comments to me about it.

I was on the school administration’s radar as a troubled kid. Apparently my Spanish teacher reported that I had a volatile temper and she didn’t want to be around me when I finally blew. She filed some kind of concern with my guidance counselor which resulted in my mother being called in to speak with the Assistant Principal for my grade, Mr. Claude Frank. I remember this meeting… Monday, June 1, 1987. Mr. Frank started to tell my mother about the schools concerns about me. My mother asked a few questions and Mr. Frank then made his fatal mistake… He told my mother that he and the other people at the school were “professionals” and she should let them deal with me without question from her and she should be a good little woman and make sure things were OK at home. Seriously, maybe not in those exact words, but my mother got the message… so she proceeded to rip Mr. Frank a new asshole… which totally got the meeting off the topic of me and my problems… and kept me out of trouble. I had zero respect for Mr. Frank for many reasons, but I do not believe he knew of the affair. I will give Mr. Frank credit as several years ago we reconnected briefly on Facebook and he apologized to me. He admitted that he did not have the knowledge or skills to deal with me or help me and admitted that he let me down. Not a lot of people, especially school administrators, admit their mistakes, so he gets credit for that!

Sunday, May 31, 1987

On Friday afternoon I came home right after Spanish. I quickly took a shower. I didn’t even dry myself off. I just put on my shorts. Then I waited.
At about 3PM Cat showed up. At first we talked and made out in the living room. She kept stroking my penis through my shorts… then we went up to my bedroom… After she left I just fell asleep. I was really exhausted! That night I was not sure how I felt. I was not angry. I was just so confused. Cat called because she was afraid that I might be angry…
Saturday night around 9 o’clock I took an orange juice glass and filled it with scotch and got bombed.
Today I went to the University to do some work. Cat came by at 12:30PM… I was sitting on a chair and she spread her legs and sat down on me… When we were done, as we were getting dressed, something happened inside of me. I got very angry. It was not just at Catherine but it concentrated on her, and she felt it. I feel badly because today when she left I think she was hurt. I don’t want to hurt her…. She told me that she thought she was falling in love with me.

Richard D. Cole, journal entry

So, why did no one care that a 15 year old student was having sex with his married 36 year old teacher? Maybe it was a sign of the times? After all, female teacher sex scandals didn’t really hit the public eye until 1998. The fact of the matter is that I did not see myself as a victim at the time and for many years afterwards. I thought I was having the time of my life and even when I was angry and depressed about the “relationship” I blamed myself, not the adult teacher. It wasn’t until I had a 15 year old step-son and one day looked at him and realized I was having sex with a teacher at the same age. It was only then that I really started seeing what happened as totally fucked up. I just think that I was such a screwed up kid that no one really cared what I was doing or with whom. I was damaged beyond the point of concern.

I ran into Mrs. Bishop while in college. We spoke and she apologized for what happened in high school. She claimed that she was an alcoholic and that she had been drinking when our “affair” happened. I do remember her bringing wine to one or two of our rendezvous, but she never smelled of alcohol or acted drunk, so I don’t know.