The past couple of weeks have been horrible. I have been in a deep depression that started building around Thanksgiving and just blew up my mind between Christmas and New Year. On January 2nd I started writing a post looking back on 2019 and talking about some hopes for 2020, but it has been too painful to finish on top of my depression and immense physical pain.
“Normal” depression whispers all kind of self defeating things in ones ear. Severe depression is like standing in front of a concert speaker stack, with these negatives thoughts of self, just bombarding all of your senses.
- You are not enough.
- You are not good enough.
- You are not smart enough.
- You are not driven enough.
- You are not good enough to be worthy of love.
- You are not enough to attract the type of woman you want.
- You are not worthy of love anyway.
- You will never find someone who loves you for you without intentions of changing or “fixing” you.
- No one ever stays, so do not connect with anyone.
- You aren’t good looking enough…
- You are too fat…
- too old…
- too tired
- Whatever good you may have had coming to you in your life has come and gone.
- You will always be alone.
- You don’t deserve to be happy let alone content or at peace.
It’s not just negative and self defeating thought… you can feel the thoughts all around you. You hear them in random movie lines or music. In a state like this thoughts and memories from the past fill my being. I am filled with a lifetime of sadnesses that I can recall as if I was right back there… I remember the good and then the bad. It’s all always there, right below the surface. In times like this these memories take over my existence.
And the whole time I am walking through the playback of my life, I am thinking of various things I should be writing down here for a blog post… the experience is draining, emotionally and physically. Imagine living the collection of your whole life’s best and worst moments all in the matter of a few days or weeks. A lifetime of great moments and a lifetime of pain and loss… all converging and pouring through your mind in the briefest of periods. I spend half the day crying… the other half of the day in excruciating physical pain.
I think it’s dark and it looks like it’s rain, you said
And the wind is blowing like it’s the end of the world, you said
And it’s so cold, it’s like the cold if you were dead
And you smiled for a second
I think I’m old and I’m feeling pain, you said
And it’s all running out like it’s the end of the world, you said
And it’s so cold, it’s like the cold if you were dead
And you smiled for a second
Sometimes you make me feel
Like I’m living at the edge of the world
Like I’m living at the edge of the world
It’s just the way I smile, you said