Tag: BREAKUP

And I am the Mentally Ill One?

A wide variety of people keep telling me that I should “just get over” Lena.  They act as if there is something wrong with me because I am “still” sad about our marriage ending.  I was with Lena for eight years.  What is an appropriate amount of time to be sad over the marriage ending?  Is there some cut off date after which I should not cry when I hear a love song that makes me think of her?  Is there some predetermined amount of time, that no one has told me about, when it is no longer socially acceptable to be sad over such things?

A friend of mine even suggested I watch a TED Talk by Guy Winch entitled, “How to Heal a Broken Heart.”  Winch says that brain imaging studies have shown that suffering from a broken heart is physiologically the same as drug withdrawal.  Winch continues on with his advice for healing a broken heart: make a list of all of the bad things about your ex and keep them on your phone… Every time you start to think positive thoughts about them, which he calls “romanticizing them,” look at your phone to remind yourself of the truth — all of the bad things.

Based solely on this video, I think Guy Winch is an ass.  I have heard others make similar claims about brain scans and breakups drawing analogies to drugs.  I, personally, don’t think everything can be broken down to biological explanations.  If we take this assertion at face value, we would have to draw the conclusion that love is bad and should be avoided.  If being in love can lead to “withdrawal” on the same level as illicit drugs, it seems rational to avoid being in love.  I have argued many times with other “experts” about the biological basis of psychology… I don’t buy it.  My second issue with Winch is his advice… write a list of all the horrible things about your ex to help you get over them.  This idea totally discounts the fact (at least I think it’s a fact) that love is not logical.  I wrote out a list of all of Lena’s “negatives” and all of the reasons we were “not right” for one another.  You know what?  It did not change the fact one fucking bit that I loved her!  Love is not logical.  I am sure it was not logical for Lena and I to get married.  I know for a fact that her mother gave her many reasons why I was a bad choice for her.  I could easily come up with a list of why I am a bad choice for anyone.  I was perfectly aware of reasons why she wasn’t “perfect” even when I was actively falling in love with her.  If healing a broken heart was as easy as making a shit list about the ex… then maybe it wasn’t really love to start with.

I fully realize that we live in a disposable society.  Your TV breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Your oven breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Many people, who can afford to, even treat cars this way… Oh the car has 50,000 miles… better get rid of it and buy a new one.  And… now… we treat relationships the same way.  Your marriage is “broken,” don’t worry… throw it out and get a new one.  Think I am over simplifying?  Look on Amazon for books on divorce.  They are almost all written for women… and they all seem to be saying that divorce is the woman’s answer to all of life’s ills.

This first book almost made me want to commit hara kiri!  It’s all about the “sisterhood of divorce.”  Seriously. Vomit.

“For the more than one million women who get divorced each year, welcome to your support group… Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club”

“Crazy Time offers a sense of hope and confidence that this transition is not only an ending but can also be a valuable beginning.”

Here’s a guide on “protecting your financial future,” i.e. How to screw your husband financially.

“Begin your single life knowing you have made the thoughtful decisions required to help establish your long-term financial security.
Think Financially, Not Emotionally® as you look ahead to a bright future for yourself and your children. ”

I have always said that unfortunately we humans only grow through the negative experiences in our lives.  But, does that mean we should create negative experiences just to grow?

“Deb Purdy provides a welcomed road map for transforming the trauma of divorce into a positive, life-changing experience. As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with emotional challenges after divorce.” Dan Valentine, Ph.D.

What ever happened to the value of working things out?  Is there no value in staying with someone through the good times and the bad?  Why do we even keep those words in wedding vows when they seem to have no meaning what-so-ever today.  I don’t like our throw away society whether it’s about material items or especially people.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who can just get over an 8 year relationship like it’s a busted toaster.  Seriously… that’s how people talk to me… as if I should just move on as if it were nothing.  Many people in our society seem to act like this.  Half of all marriages end in divorce.  Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce.  The majority of kids I know are the kids of divorce.  All of this despite research showing that marriage makes for healthier adults and healthier children.  But I am the mentally ill one because I don’t want to “just move on.”

Deals with the Devil Never Work Out

In the fall of 2017 I was working in Vermont.  Each morning I would either talk to or text with Lena.  On the morning of October 4th, I was texting with her about the up coming weekend and my plans to come down and spend time with her and the kids.  Lena texted me that she didn’t think I should come down.  It wasn’t really clear what she meant and I pushed her to explain.  Lena told me in a text message that she wanted to end our marriage.  She said she could not go on like this anymore and that she deserved to be happy.  She kept saying, “I have to do this for me and for my kids.”

I was devastated.  I knew things could be better.  I knew that some key aspects of our marriage were not the way Lena would have chosen them to be at this point.  When we first started dating and got married, I had a home and some work in upstate New York while Lena and her children lived full time in Rivertown NY.  At the time of our marriage I agreed to spend up to half of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and the kids and I would attempt to build some business down there.  This was an unconventional arrangement that many people did not understand.  I thought Lena understood it and why I needed to not live downstate full time.

Let me back up a little… I grew up on Long Island and as a child my parents had a second home in Southern Vermont.  We spent many weekends, most school vacations and every summer up in Vermont.  I always loved Vermont and was determined to live there some day as a child.  During the five years I was in college I dropped out two or three times, each time moving to Vermont for a few months.  After being in Vermont for a while I would feel refreshed… like my batteries had been recharged.  I would return to school and get through a few semesters before dropping out again and hibernating in Vermont to refuel my soul.

The last year of my marriage to Ava we were living in College Station GA.  When Ava asked for a divorce I could have moved anywhere.  I moved to Vermont full time.  Although I did attempt suicide twice while living in Vermont, I still maintain that there is something very therapeutic about living in the mountain and being out in nature.  For several years I owned a property maintenance business which kept me busy working outside year round.  The work was both physically demanding and emotionally undemanding…. a combination that allowed me to heal in many ways.

When I started dating Lena I was determined to learn from my mistakes of the past.  I was 100% honest with her.  I told her all about my suicide attempts, my marriage and divorce from Ava.  She heard countless stories about my dysfunctional family as a child.  I told her about all of my shortcomings and issues.  I made sure that at every step forward Lena knew exactly what she was getting into.  I told her that I could never live downstate full-time; I needed my time in the country to regroup and maintain my sanity and physical health.

So, back to October 2017… Lena ended our marriage in a text message.  I was devastated.  All of the progress I had thought I had made the past 20 years, in terms of my suicidal ideation, flew out the window.  I almost immediately started having panic attacks whenever I left the house at first; then even at home, so all of the time.  I wanted to be dead.  I told Lena that I could not live without her and that I wanted to be dead.  I posted numerous sad songs (YouTube videos) on Facebook.  I wrote on Facebook that even with all of the pain I had been through previously in my life, this was the worst pain ever.  Lena said my behavior, the post on Facebook, were crazy.  That will be another entry here.

I did feel crazy for about a week.  I also was acting in a manipulative manner… texting Lena my suicidal thoughts and desires.  A week into this total shit storm I still did not really know why this had happened then.  I called up Lena and begged her to speak with me on the phone and to just give me some explanation.  I said that she at least owed me that much.  We did speak and she gave me some of her reasons but we didn’t really get to the meat of the matter.  After the phone call I agreed to not bother her anymore.

Several days past during which I stopped posting “crazy” stuff on Facebook and I did not reach out at all to Lena.  One night, about two weeks after the initial break up text, Lena reached out to me via a Facebook message.  I was asleep at the time but did return her text the next morning.  We ended up speaking on the phone.  At this time Lena said she could no longer live with the arrangement we made when we got married… my living down with her and the kids only 50% of the time.  She said she asked for the divorce because she knew how much I loved the country and that I needed my time there.  She said she still loved me, was still in love with me and missed me.  We both ended up crying on the phone.

What Lena did not know was that after our phone call, before her texting me, I had made a deal with the Devil.  After the “explanation phone call” I had promised myself that if Lena changed her mind and was ever willing to try again, I would do anything she asked without hesitation regardless of what it was.  I  also promised myself that I would keep my mouth shut about anything that might be bothering me in Rivertown or in our home there.  It was a promise made in total desperation.  When Lena did reach out a few days later I came through on that promise to myself.

Lena wanted a “normal life” and a “normal marriage.”  She wanted us to live together full-time.  She wanted me to get a regular job.  Lena said she did not think I would be willing to do these things so she felt she had no other choice but to end the marriage.  I said, “I will move down there next week.  Full-time.  Period.”  I even told her that I would get a real job.

Lena and I ended up reconciling.  I packed up a few things and closed down my house.  I quit working and just walked away from my life in the country.  I moved down to Rivertown at the end of October 2017.  The problem with promises or deals made in desperation is that it’s almost impossible to keep them and remain sane and true to oneself.

The first few weeks living with Lena and the kids full-time was really nice.  However, almost from the very first day I was there I found myself biting my tongue.  At first it was just once in a while because at the beginning we were all in love again like when we first started dating.  As time went by I found myself biting my tongue about all kinds of things day in and day out. It was a constant effort on my part.  I knew to some degree that I was not being fair to myself but I said I was doing it “for our marriage.”  Also, no one can hold in all negative emotions or comments without some eventual blow up.  When I did finally blow up, which I will write about soon, I said something I can never take back and forever changed my relationship with Lena.

Life Lesson:  Don’t ever make promises out of fear or desperation.  They never hold true in the long run.