Tag: LOVE

“It Happens Everyday,” But it Shouldn’t

It Happens Everyday, Carly Simon

It happens everyday
Two lovers with the best intentions to stay
Together, they decide to separate
Just how it happens, neither is certain
But it happens everyday….
Well, you make him a liar
Turn him into a robber
Well, it happens everyday.

I have had to go to two pre-trial conferences related to my divorce from Lena. I recognize that divorce is often ugly; it doesn’t need to be, but it is. Like the lyrics above say, “Well, you make him a liar. Turn him into a robber.” It’s very sad how two people who once were so much in love can twist history and try to tear one another apart. I have sincerely tried to not go down that road. It’s not what I want at all, but then again, I didn’t want the divorce either. In these two pretrial conferences Lena’s lawyer has said somethings that are just patently false. I don’t know if the false information comes from Lena or this is just a standard page out of her lawyer’s playbook; but it sucks.

I would much rather be told that I got fat and unattractive, that I was a lousy lover, that I was too grumpy or just a plain old asshole, than have lies said about me.

1st Lie

Lena’s lawyer claims that I was unfaithful throughout the marriage. This is plainly and simply FALSE. I never cheated on Lena. I never wanted to cheat on her. I never had eyes for another while I was with her. I was so in love with her and thought she was an amazing, smart and stunningly beautiful woman. I thought we were very compatible sexually and I never felt any reason to look for something anywhere else. Period. Seriously.

So, where does this lie come from? Is it merely a standard page out of the divorce playbook of lawyers? Maybe. It doesn’t make much sense in New York State as it is a no fault state — so infidelity doesn’t matter, if it were true, which it is not. Is Lena projecting? That’s a possibility, but I never thought she was cheating on me during the marriage despite the fact that she openly admitted to cheating on her first husband several times “after she knew the marriage was over but before getting out of it.” I was so in love with her and thought that she was so in love with me that I never thought either of us would cheat. But… maybe she did and now she is projecting; I just don’t know. I do know her mother often accused me of cheating because I spent time at the upstate home without Lena. During the marriage Lena said she knew her mother’s accusations were crap and just part and parcel of her soul cancer. I would have hoped that by now Lena would have realized that nothing good ever comes from allowing her mother’s psychotic mean spirited drivel into her head; again, I just don’t know.

2nd Lie

The second lie is that I never lived in Rivertown with Lena and her children. In last night’s blog post, I wrote how hurtful this lie is because it completely negates everything that I did there for seven years.

When Lena and I were talking about getting married in 2010 and 2011, I was 100% open about my mental illness history and suicide attempt history. I told Lena that I needed to keep the home in upstate NY and spend some amount of time here because living full-time all of the time in Rivertown would not be good for my mental health. I agreed to spend 50% or more of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and her kids. But we both agreed to the idea that we would not necessarily be together 365 nights a year. The first couple of years I thought this arrangement was working OK and I did spend more than half of my time in Rivertown. I drove the kids to their before school program and picked them up from the same program after school. Later I drove the kids to and from school often. There were several times when I closed up the upstate house and spent 4-6 months 24/7 there in Rivertown. I was on the pickup list from the high school for the kids… Why would I be on that list if I never lived there or only came down on weekends? I can subpoena school officials to prove this.

I drove the kids to soccer/basketball/lacrosse/dance practices. I have photos from mid-week practices and games; not just weekend events. I attended dance and concert and play rehearsals; again, I have photos from all of these things. Again, these are mid-week practices; I wasn’t just around on “some weekends.” Dance teachers/coaches and friends can confirm that I was an involved step-parent. One coach wrote in a text message to me that for some period of time it was obvious to him that I was more involved in the lives of my step-children than either of their biological parents… because I wasn’t working (as both parents were) and I took the time to be involved. I was there. I was involved. I was part of a family. I was part of a community. Again, I have tens of thousands of photos proving I was there and that I was involved. I have a list of a dozen people willing to testify under oath about my being there and my level of involvement. I have doctors that I saw regularly down there with records showing visits etc.

It’s a bald face lie that I never lived down there. Did I sell the upstate home and move down there 24/7/365 when we got married? No. I did not. But I spent a significant amount of time there investing in the family, home and community.

Below is a slideshow of just a smattering of the tens of thousands of photos I have of the time I spent living in Rivertown:

View Thumbnails

Knowing She Wanted Me to Suicide… Kept Me Alive

I wasn’t looking to get married.  I had been down that road before and I had gotten burned, badly.  I started to date Lena in 2010 and I fell for her hard and quickly, but it wasn’t me that pushed to get married.  Lena wanted to get married and so we did.  I don’t remember when this conversation happened, but we were sitting on a bark bench looking out on the Hudson River in Rivertown.  It was either shortly before we got married or shortly afterwards.  I remember Lena asking how long it would take for my walls to come down and for me to fully trust that she loved me and would always be there for me.  Lena said disparaging things about the women in my life prior to her… things along the lines of, “These women really fucked you up.  I am not those women.”  Lena went on to reiterate that she would not hurt me and that she was in this for the long haul.  Furthermore, she said, “I am going to love you like no other woman ever has.  I’m gonna love you better.”  That should have been a huge red flag, and it probably was… but I ignored it because I did love her, and I did want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Life happened and seven and a half years later Lena no longer wanted to be by my side.  Lena no longer wanted to be married to me.  Lena wanted a divorce; just like Ava and several of “those women from my past,” who had destroyed my heart and my trust in love.  When Ava wanted the divorce, she told me point blank and it was over.  Lena didn’t end things that way.  Lena told me to leave and then things stayed that way for a few months.  I had hired a matrimony lawyer to represent my interests in the divorce.  The lawyer had Lena served with papers and Lena totally freaked out.  How could I do this to her?  Couldn’t we deal with this just the two of us without lawyers?  Lena convinced me to fire my lawyer against everyone’s advice.  I did fire my lawyer.  Lena immediately started pressuring me to sign a legal separation agreement without the counsel of a lawyer; just weeks after the death of my father. 

After the death of my father, asking me when I will be coming down to Rivertown next because she supposedly wanted to see me and spend time with me. It was all lies and manipulation. I fell for all of it.

 

Then Lena said that she needed a legal separation so that she could rediscover who she was and who we were to each other.  This was the first calculated vicious manipulation towards getting me to commit suicide.  I didn’t understand what Lena was asking for.  Yes, of course I know what a legal separation is, but I did not understand what she meant when she said that she needed this so we could rediscover who we were to each other.  I asked her, “What does that mean?  Are we going to sign a legal separation agreement and then start dating each other?”  She answered that she did not know… maybe.  Seriously.  And I, the love blind idiot I was, agreed.  Luckily, I did ad some language to the separation agreement that made it non-binding. 

All my friends and family said that I was being manipulated and that I was being an idiot. Part of me thought it was ridiculous and that I probably was being an idiot… but Lena had said that I was the love of her life.  She said she still loved me.  She still proclaimed that I was the love of her life as we were signing the separation agreement.  I have hundreds of pages of texts between us filled with proclamations of love from her to me and me to her.  In these texts she tells me she still loves me.  She tells me that I am still the love of her life.  She tells me that she needs this separation for herself so that she can rebuild herself and discover who she now is.

Just days before getting me to sign a separation agreement.

I went down to Rivertown a month or so before we signed the separation agreement and Lena and I met in a park down by the Hudson.  We spoke for a couple of hours sitting on a bench.  She put her arms around me.  She put her arms around my neck.  She held my hand… and when we parted, she kissed me passionately… I mean deep tongue kiss like we did when we first started to date… with tears in her eyes telling me that she loved me.  This happened again on the day we signed the separation agreement… After signing the document in front of a notary, we were out in the bank parking lot and she hugged me… tightly… with tears running down her face and she kissed me deeply passionately again.  As we parted, she told me that she loved me.  I never saw her again until we both had to show up to divorce court.

The separation agreement clearly states that Lena had to maintain my health insurance.  Within a few months she cancelled my insurance.  I no longer had access to doctors or prescription medications unless I could pay cash out of pocket.  Lena switched jobs and claimed that her new employer wouldn’t cover me; I don’t know if that is true.  Regardless, she was legally required to maintain health insurance for me, and she did not.  She did buy some totally bogus health plan that supposedly covers 4 or 5 doctor visits a year and some medications.  Every doctor I showed the card to said it was fake and I had to pay cash out of pocket. 

When Lena and I first started to date I was 100% honest with her about all my mental health issues and history.  She knows all about my suicidality and suicide attempts and anxieties over abandonment issues.  During our marriage Lena experienced both my depression and suicidal ideation.  I was totally honest and open with her more than I had ever been with anyone in my life.  When we separated, she used all of what I had told her against me.  I don’t mean that she used it against me in court… she used it to manipulate me into signing a separation agreement under totally false pretenses (that we would date and that she still loved me).  She used my unconditional love of her and her children to convince me to fire my attorney.  Then after the death of my father, which she knew was devastating to me, she cancelled my health insurance cutting me off from doctors and antidepressant medications and my pain medications. 

How could anyone look at the lies and manipulations Lena perpetrated combined with cutting off necessary medical care and not conclude that she wanted me to kill myself?  Being a widow to a dead husband you no longer love, need, or care about, is certainly easier than being a two-time divorcee.  Yes, I think that Lena would prefer for me to kill myself and that she has done her best to manipulate both my mood and my access to health care towards that goal.  I won’t give her the satisfaction.  Knowing that she wants me to suicide has pissed me off enough that although I have been suicidally depressed at times, I won’t give her the satisfaction!  So, I am alive 😛  

Lofty Goals Require Digging Deep Into Painful Memories

I have set some lofty goals for myself for this year and next. In order to get my goals achieved I will have to dig down and through some painful memories with Lena, Ava and some other people. I have to go back and read hundreds of social media posts by myself and these women whom I have loved more than my own life… I have to read hundreds of pages of saved text messages. This is going to hurt… worse than shooting myself in this chest, but it has to be done.

Came across these posts from Lena that she posted to Facebook and I just tear up and wonder what went wrong?

Deadman Dating? Part II

I’ll be 100% honest… the whole thought of dating makes me want to kill myself. I am well aware that I am not randomly going to run into “Ms. Right” in my day to day life. Because of where and how I live, online dating is really the only option. I have profiles on several sites, although I don’t pay for the premium services. I waste countless time actually reading profiles and flipping through hundreds of pictures. I am discouraged at the number of fugly women out there… sorry. Seriously, I am sorry. I 100% wish I were not so vain and superficial. I have married, and then been divorced from, 2 stunningly beautiful (on the outside) women. I know, without any doubt in my mind what-so-ever, that if I could fall in love with an ugly woman, my life would infinitely be better. I know this with zero doubt… but I just can’t. So, I swipe left… swipe left… swipe left….. Then….

Then, I come to a beautiful woman… and I just want to hang myself. Why? Am I not worthy of being with a beautiful woman? Would I not be appealing to a beautiful woman? Honestly… after everything that I have been through… I don’t know. I guess despite my outward bravado I must still have some insecurity. Why would a woman “like that” want to date me? What would I have to offer a woman “like that?”

Even if it’s not insecurity eating away at my sanity… there is a laziness factor that has come into play in my late 40’s. Do I really want to expend the time, energy and money to pursue a woman “like that.” Finding someone takes time. Wooing someone takes time. I am not looking for one night stands, so more time than one night is required. I often feel like I live on thin ice as it is… how much can I risk pursuing something that is probably doomed to start?

When I start to talk to a woman I have so many variables I need to keep track of. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time… so when do I reveal my psych history? Many women are immediately scared away from me because I have tried to kill myself in the past. I understand this. Other women have been attracted to me because I have tried to kill myself in the past — I have learned to be very weary of these women!!! They want to save me and no one can save anyone else!

On top of my psych history I have several physical ailments that can be an impediment to a relationship. I have Fibromyalgia. I have a degenerative joint and nerve disease. I have Afib. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Spastic Colon which also gives me chronic gastritis! I have chronic migraine syndrome. I take Opioids and muscle relaxers every single day. Who the fuck wants to deal with all of that? I certainly hate having to deal with it!!!

I am lucky in one regard… most of the time I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I rather like my alone time. But there are some times when I feel lonely and wish I had someone to share my life with. About a year ago, I came up with a test for myself in terms of how much time I am willing to put towards dating… When I think I am lonely and wouldn’t life better with a girl friend… I watch some porn and jerk off — and after I cum I ask myself if I still really want a girl friend. Think about it… not a bad test! Unfortunately, recently the answer has been — definitely maybe. LOL.

I’m a Love Chameleon

I was speaking with someone today and mentioned that I had a loose plan to kill myself around my 60th birthday in the year 2031. They asked why and I told them that I had given it a lot of thought and that with the confluence of my declining physical health and the fact that I have enough money to just get by for about 10 years… It seemed logical to me. This person knows me a little and said that I had so many talents and why didn’t I find some way to earn some more money and that my physical health wasn’t bad enough to kill myself over. This person didn’t say it in a judgmental way and I thought about it the whole way home and some more tonight.

I am not one of those people who think that all life has inherent value; I never have been. I think quality of life is more important than how long someone lives. I was standing on my deck smoking and I was asking myself why I have never been afraid to die. I also found myself pondering what I am here on this earth for. I thought about my “talents” and it occurred to me that although I may be an OK writer and an OK photographer and an OK public speaker… these have never seemed like life-worth-living pursuits. Now being on love on the other hand… that’s a different story. I’ve always been willing to give my all to love and have foregone suicide a few times for love.

I found myself thinking about my relationships and how I give myself over to them 110%. In a relationship I can be a chameleon… in that I tend to end up liking things my partner does and doing things they do — even if I wasn’t interested or if it isn’t particularly healthy for me. For example, the last woman I dated, April, smoked and I had been smoke free for two years. April wasn’t interested in quitting and within a month or two I was smoking again. I’m the same way in bed… I am very willing to accommodate a wide range of bedroom activities to please my partner. That’s when I came up with the idea that I am chameleon like; reflecting back to my partners what they want or are interested in, at times to my detriment… such as when Lena asked me to move to Rivertown full time. I moved without hesitation and created the life that she said she wanted, even though living there was very detrimental to my mental health and even though living there in her “normal life” was very demeaning to me as a person.

So, now that I am single, where does that leave a chameleon? I feel like a chameleon that has been placed on a blank piece of paper… with nothing to reflect back and no goals. The psychobabblers out there will immediately say that I am co-dependent. OK. Maybe I am. So what? I am 48 years old and admit that I am a bit fucked in the head. I have been through thousands of hours of therapy and the statistical likelihood of me changing this core part of my personality at this point in life is basically zero. The greatest joys in my life have come from loving a woman 110%… Is that so bad?

Mental Illness is a Thief

Sitting here this afternoon, needing to fill out legal paperwork for my divorce, I found myself thinking of all of the things that have been stolen from me by mental illness.  Mental illness is a silent shrewd and cunning interloper that steels into our lives and before we realize what’s happening, it steals from us.  Mental illness steals opportunities, stability, family, friendships, love and sometimes, even life itself.  Let me clarify that for the sake of this writing I am not using “mental illness” in a clinical sense with exacting definitions and diagnoses.  I am using the term to refer to deep psychological issues that seriously affected the people I am writing about; some have had actual mental illness diagnoses and some have lived their lives without an official diagnosis.

I was born into a family with mental illness.  So, from the start, any chance of a “normal” childhood was stolen from me.  My parents’ mental illnesses made them incapable of dealing with the stresses of life and love, and made them not able to care for or love me in the ways that I needed. 

The combination of my “issues” and my mother’s “issues” led to us not having much of a relationship the first 35 years of my life.  As a little child I didn’t feel loved by my mother and we grew apart.  When my parents divorced, I chose to live with my father and his third wife.  My mother and I didn’t start to be close until about fifteen years ago.  Mental illness stole thirty-five years of a mother-child relationship.

My father also suffered from mental illness and this greatly affected me as both a child and an adult.  As a small child I idealized my father and didn’t see his illnesses for what they were.  I followed in his footsteps; in many ways to my own detriment.  As an adult I saw his actions through the lens of accepting that he was mentally ill, but that did not make his actions and inactions hurt less.  When I moved in with my father and his third wife, she told me, “I married your father, not his children.”  I was fourteen years old.  Natasha’s mental illness led her to being a cruel interfering step-mother and my father’s mental illness caused him to accept her horrible behavior towards me and my brother.  The nature of the relationship between my father and his wife allowed mental illness to steal my father from me the last fifteen years of his life.

By the time I was a teenager my own mental illness was in full swing and often led me to acting like a total schmuck.  In my lifetime there has only been one woman who truly loved me unconditionally, my high school and college sweetheart, Shannon… and I treated her horribly and eventually permanently broke up with her.  I was a dick.  Period.  I have apologized to her and she has very graciously accepted my apology and we are now good friends… but my mental illness stole the only woman who may have ever truly loved me… loved me for me without trying to change me or “fix” me. 

When I was twenty three I married my first wife, Ava.  Like all people, Ava had some issues, but nothing that I would say elevated to the level of being a mental illness.  I think… or I would like to think, that she did love me.  In some ways she tried to save me/change me.  The marriage fell apart mostly due to my acting out because of my mental illness.  At that point in life I was very difficult to live with due to my depression and anger issues.  At this point in life I don’t harbor any ill will towards Ava for divorcing me.  I’m not thrilled with knowing that she cheated on me and ended up marrying the guy… but I was a lunatic at the time and understand her behavior.  Mental illness stole my first wife from me.  With the loss of that marriage I also lost our home in Georgia and everything that connected me to life.  If I had been able to be a different person back then and remained married to Ava, I would have had a much better chance at a “normal” life.  It was during the divorce process that I shot myself in the heart with a 9mm handgun and six months later took 900 pills.

After my “should have died” suicide attempts I ultimately ended up at The Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge, MA.  Austen Riggs is like no other place that I have ever heard of… it’s an open campus mental health hospital, which means patients are never restrained and can and go as they please.  While I patient there I had several romantic relationships with other patients.  One of them, Barbara, shot herself in the head with a rifle up on a hill in Stockbridge.  Barbara was a few years older than me.  She was a lawyer from an extremely wealthy family in California.  She was beautiful.  She was brilliant.  She was an amazing person and had everything going for her.  Mental illness stole this incredible being from the world. 

The CEO of Austen Riggs while I was there was a despicable human being, Dr. Edward Shapiro.  This man’s hubris was so elevated that in my opinion he was mentally ill.  Again, in my opinion, his ego directly played a role in Barbara being able to kill herself.  His mental illness allowed for Barbara’s mental illness to end her life.  I pray Barbara’s needless suicide haunts him.

Due to ongoing legal issues (divorce) I can’t really write about my marriage to Lena right now, let’s just say that we both had serious issues that led to the marriage not working and yet again, mental illness stole love, family and home from me.

At the beginning of this year I started dating a woman, April.  April is a nurse and seemed to be a very caring and loving woman.  When things were good, they were great.  But April suffers from severe insecurity, specifically about infidelity.  I have many female friends.  Several of those female friends are ex-girlfriends.  April’s insecurity led to her acting in very antisocial ways: threatening to beat up women I interacted with, threatening to kill someone and a phone call in which she cursed out an ex, Aubrey, that I have been friends with for more than fifteen years.  April accused me of keeping these ex-girlfriends “on the side” in case we didn’t work out.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  After the phone call, April told me that I had to choose between her and this woman who was nothing more than a good friend to me.  She wanted me to call up Aubrey and tell her that I would never speak to her again.  I refused… and April stormed out of my life.  April’s mental illness stole another love for her and for me.  April wasn’t “the love of my life,” but I did love her and felt very content with her.  It was the first time in my life that I loved someone, without being “crazy” in love and felt content with that.  This was and is a huge deal for me that I will write more about in the future… I thought it was a much healthier form of love, at least for me.  Mental illness stole that cherished contentment and love from me. 

There are many more examples from my own life that I could write about regarding the thefts committed by mental illness, but these were the big ones that came to mind while procrastinating filling out boring legal forms.  The point is that mental illness effects many people in many ways and causes all kinds of loss… real loss… that hurts… and sometimes… kills. 

Lena’s Perspective

Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.

Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.

*****************************************************
From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you

The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.

Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.

TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.

Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me

The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt

Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body

Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.

Attitude of a porcupine

Feeling alone with him or without him

And I am the Mentally Ill One?

A wide variety of people keep telling me that I should “just get over” Lena.  They act as if there is something wrong with me because I am “still” sad about our marriage ending.  I was with Lena for eight years.  What is an appropriate amount of time to be sad over the marriage ending?  Is there some cut off date after which I should not cry when I hear a love song that makes me think of her?  Is there some predetermined amount of time, that no one has told me about, when it is no longer socially acceptable to be sad over such things?

A friend of mine even suggested I watch a TED Talk by Guy Winch entitled, “How to Heal a Broken Heart.”  Winch says that brain imaging studies have shown that suffering from a broken heart is physiologically the same as drug withdrawal.  Winch continues on with his advice for healing a broken heart: make a list of all of the bad things about your ex and keep them on your phone… Every time you start to think positive thoughts about them, which he calls “romanticizing them,” look at your phone to remind yourself of the truth — all of the bad things.

Based solely on this video, I think Guy Winch is an ass.  I have heard others make similar claims about brain scans and breakups drawing analogies to drugs.  I, personally, don’t think everything can be broken down to biological explanations.  If we take this assertion at face value, we would have to draw the conclusion that love is bad and should be avoided.  If being in love can lead to “withdrawal” on the same level as illicit drugs, it seems rational to avoid being in love.  I have argued many times with other “experts” about the biological basis of psychology… I don’t buy it.  My second issue with Winch is his advice… write a list of all the horrible things about your ex to help you get over them.  This idea totally discounts the fact (at least I think it’s a fact) that love is not logical.  I wrote out a list of all of Lena’s “negatives” and all of the reasons we were “not right” for one another.  You know what?  It did not change the fact one fucking bit that I loved her!  Love is not logical.  I am sure it was not logical for Lena and I to get married.  I know for a fact that her mother gave her many reasons why I was a bad choice for her.  I could easily come up with a list of why I am a bad choice for anyone.  I was perfectly aware of reasons why she wasn’t “perfect” even when I was actively falling in love with her.  If healing a broken heart was as easy as making a shit list about the ex… then maybe it wasn’t really love to start with.

I fully realize that we live in a disposable society.  Your TV breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Your oven breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Many people, who can afford to, even treat cars this way… Oh the car has 50,000 miles… better get rid of it and buy a new one.  And… now… we treat relationships the same way.  Your marriage is “broken,” don’t worry… throw it out and get a new one.  Think I am over simplifying?  Look on Amazon for books on divorce.  They are almost all written for women… and they all seem to be saying that divorce is the woman’s answer to all of life’s ills.

This first book almost made me want to commit hara kiri!  It’s all about the “sisterhood of divorce.”  Seriously. Vomit.

“For the more than one million women who get divorced each year, welcome to your support group… Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club”

“Crazy Time offers a sense of hope and confidence that this transition is not only an ending but can also be a valuable beginning.”

Here’s a guide on “protecting your financial future,” i.e. How to screw your husband financially.

“Begin your single life knowing you have made the thoughtful decisions required to help establish your long-term financial security.
Think Financially, Not Emotionally® as you look ahead to a bright future for yourself and your children. ”

I have always said that unfortunately we humans only grow through the negative experiences in our lives.  But, does that mean we should create negative experiences just to grow?

“Deb Purdy provides a welcomed road map for transforming the trauma of divorce into a positive, life-changing experience. As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with emotional challenges after divorce.” Dan Valentine, Ph.D.

What ever happened to the value of working things out?  Is there no value in staying with someone through the good times and the bad?  Why do we even keep those words in wedding vows when they seem to have no meaning what-so-ever today.  I don’t like our throw away society whether it’s about material items or especially people.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who can just get over an 8 year relationship like it’s a busted toaster.  Seriously… that’s how people talk to me… as if I should just move on as if it were nothing.  Many people in our society seem to act like this.  Half of all marriages end in divorce.  Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce.  The majority of kids I know are the kids of divorce.  All of this despite research showing that marriage makes for healthier adults and healthier children.  But I am the mentally ill one because I don’t want to “just move on.”

Love’s Delusions & Love Matured

I have been away from Lena for five weeks at this point.  One thing that has become crystal clear this past month is that love does truly blind us.  Love changes how we see the object of our desire.  Love allows us to let the little things, that would otherwise upset us, go.  Love has such enormous power over our brains that it can even change the way we see someone physically with our eyes.  Love often doesn’t make sense.

I spent most of the day yesterday feeling sad because I miss Lena so… despite the fact that she pushed me away… despite the fact that she has cruelly cut off all communication between us and between me and her kids whom I helped raise for eight years.  I miss her even though intellectually I can give ten reasons why we weren’t a good match for one another.  I yearn for her even though she was really unfair to me in our marriage and I can now see that she never accepted me for who I really am.  My heart physically aches even though Lena was often neither kind, loving or caring.  I don’t want to give the wrong impression here.  Lena is an amazing woman.  I love her with all of my heart and soul.

It’s very interesting to me… as I have been living through this round of heartbreak, I have noticed that some things are very different from love sorrows of the past.  People ask me, “What do you miss about Lena?”   I miss bringing her coffee in the mornings.  I miss wrapping my arm tightly around her as we fell asleep.  I miss washing her back and shampooing her hair.  I miss watching her dress in the morning and pulling the zipper up on her dress.  I miss cooking dinner for the kids and watching them enjoy it.  I miss watching the kids sporting events.  Almost all of the things I actively miss are things I did for Lena and her kids.  Whereas, during past episodes of heartbreak many of the things I missed were things the person had done for me.  Does this mean I have matured?  Am I less of the narcissistic prick I used to be?

I could very easily find someone else to bring coffee to… but I don’t find myself interested in doing these things for someone else.  Despite the negatives I now see more clearly as love’s blinders have been removed with time away from Lena…I still miss her.  I still ache in my very soul for her.  I still love her.

Love alters reality.  This isn’t just true of romantic love; it’s also true of familial love – but that is for another post.