I have been away from Lena for five weeks at this point. One thing that has become crystal clear this past month is that love does truly blind us. Love changes how we see the object of our desire. Love allows us to let the little things, that would otherwise upset us, go. Love has such enormous power over our brains that it can even change the way we see someone physically with our eyes. Love often doesn’t make sense.
I spent most of the day yesterday feeling sad because I miss Lena so… despite the fact that she pushed me away… despite the fact that she has cruelly cut off all communication between us and between me and her kids whom I helped raise for eight years. I miss her even though intellectually I can give ten reasons why we weren’t a good match for one another. I yearn for her even though she was really unfair to me in our marriage and I can now see that she never accepted me for who I really am. My heart physically aches even though Lena was often neither kind, loving or caring. I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. Lena is an amazing woman. I love her with all of my heart and soul.
It’s very interesting to me… as I have been living through this round of heartbreak, I have noticed that some things are very different from love sorrows of the past. People ask me, “What do you miss about Lena?” I miss bringing her coffee in the mornings. I miss wrapping my arm tightly around her as we fell asleep. I miss washing her back and shampooing her hair. I miss watching her dress in the morning and pulling the zipper up on her dress. I miss cooking dinner for the kids and watching them enjoy it. I miss watching the kids sporting events. Almost all of the things I actively miss are things I did for Lena and her kids. Whereas, during past episodes of heartbreak many of the things I missed were things the person had done for me. Does this mean I have matured? Am I less of the narcissistic prick I used to be?
I could very easily find someone else to bring coffee to… but I don’t find myself interested in doing these things for someone else. Despite the negatives I now see more clearly as love’s blinders have been removed with time away from Lena…I still miss her. I still ache in my very soul for her. I still love her.
Love alters reality. This isn’t just true of romantic love; it’s also true of familial love – but that is for another post.