Tag: divorce

“It Happens Everyday,” But it Shouldn’t

It Happens Everyday, Carly Simon

It happens everyday
Two lovers with the best intentions to stay
Together, they decide to separate
Just how it happens, neither is certain
But it happens everyday….
Well, you make him a liar
Turn him into a robber
Well, it happens everyday.

I have had to go to two pre-trial conferences related to my divorce from Lena. I recognize that divorce is often ugly; it doesn’t need to be, but it is. Like the lyrics above say, “Well, you make him a liar. Turn him into a robber.” It’s very sad how two people who once were so much in love can twist history and try to tear one another apart. I have sincerely tried to not go down that road. It’s not what I want at all, but then again, I didn’t want the divorce either. In these two pretrial conferences Lena’s lawyer has said somethings that are just patently false. I don’t know if the false information comes from Lena or this is just a standard page out of her lawyer’s playbook; but it sucks.

I would much rather be told that I got fat and unattractive, that I was a lousy lover, that I was too grumpy or just a plain old asshole, than have lies said about me.

1st Lie

Lena’s lawyer claims that I was unfaithful throughout the marriage. This is plainly and simply FALSE. I never cheated on Lena. I never wanted to cheat on her. I never had eyes for another while I was with her. I was so in love with her and thought she was an amazing, smart and stunningly beautiful woman. I thought we were very compatible sexually and I never felt any reason to look for something anywhere else. Period. Seriously.

So, where does this lie come from? Is it merely a standard page out of the divorce playbook of lawyers? Maybe. It doesn’t make much sense in New York State as it is a no fault state — so infidelity doesn’t matter, if it were true, which it is not. Is Lena projecting? That’s a possibility, but I never thought she was cheating on me during the marriage despite the fact that she openly admitted to cheating on her first husband several times “after she knew the marriage was over but before getting out of it.” I was so in love with her and thought that she was so in love with me that I never thought either of us would cheat. But… maybe she did and now she is projecting; I just don’t know. I do know her mother often accused me of cheating because I spent time at the upstate home without Lena. During the marriage Lena said she knew her mother’s accusations were crap and just part and parcel of her soul cancer. I would have hoped that by now Lena would have realized that nothing good ever comes from allowing her mother’s psychotic mean spirited drivel into her head; again, I just don’t know.

2nd Lie

The second lie is that I never lived in Rivertown with Lena and her children. In last night’s blog post, I wrote how hurtful this lie is because it completely negates everything that I did there for seven years.

When Lena and I were talking about getting married in 2010 and 2011, I was 100% open about my mental illness history and suicide attempt history. I told Lena that I needed to keep the home in upstate NY and spend some amount of time here because living full-time all of the time in Rivertown would not be good for my mental health. I agreed to spend 50% or more of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and her kids. But we both agreed to the idea that we would not necessarily be together 365 nights a year. The first couple of years I thought this arrangement was working OK and I did spend more than half of my time in Rivertown. I drove the kids to their before school program and picked them up from the same program after school. Later I drove the kids to and from school often. There were several times when I closed up the upstate house and spent 4-6 months 24/7 there in Rivertown. I was on the pickup list from the high school for the kids… Why would I be on that list if I never lived there or only came down on weekends? I can subpoena school officials to prove this.

I drove the kids to soccer/basketball/lacrosse/dance practices. I have photos from mid-week practices and games; not just weekend events. I attended dance and concert and play rehearsals; again, I have photos from all of these things. Again, these are mid-week practices; I wasn’t just around on “some weekends.” Dance teachers/coaches and friends can confirm that I was an involved step-parent. One coach wrote in a text message to me that for some period of time it was obvious to him that I was more involved in the lives of my step-children than either of their biological parents… because I wasn’t working (as both parents were) and I took the time to be involved. I was there. I was involved. I was part of a family. I was part of a community. Again, I have tens of thousands of photos proving I was there and that I was involved. I have a list of a dozen people willing to testify under oath about my being there and my level of involvement. I have doctors that I saw regularly down there with records showing visits etc.

It’s a bald face lie that I never lived down there. Did I sell the upstate home and move down there 24/7/365 when we got married? No. I did not. But I spent a significant amount of time there investing in the family, home and community.

Below is a slideshow of just a smattering of the tens of thousands of photos I have of the time I spent living in Rivertown:

View Thumbnails

Lena’s Perspective

Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.

Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.

*****************************************************
From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you

The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.

Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.

TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.

Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me

The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt

Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body

Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.

Attitude of a porcupine

Feeling alone with him or without him

And I am the Mentally Ill One?

A wide variety of people keep telling me that I should “just get over” Lena.  They act as if there is something wrong with me because I am “still” sad about our marriage ending.  I was with Lena for eight years.  What is an appropriate amount of time to be sad over the marriage ending?  Is there some cut off date after which I should not cry when I hear a love song that makes me think of her?  Is there some predetermined amount of time, that no one has told me about, when it is no longer socially acceptable to be sad over such things?

A friend of mine even suggested I watch a TED Talk by Guy Winch entitled, “How to Heal a Broken Heart.”  Winch says that brain imaging studies have shown that suffering from a broken heart is physiologically the same as drug withdrawal.  Winch continues on with his advice for healing a broken heart: make a list of all of the bad things about your ex and keep them on your phone… Every time you start to think positive thoughts about them, which he calls “romanticizing them,” look at your phone to remind yourself of the truth — all of the bad things.

Based solely on this video, I think Guy Winch is an ass.  I have heard others make similar claims about brain scans and breakups drawing analogies to drugs.  I, personally, don’t think everything can be broken down to biological explanations.  If we take this assertion at face value, we would have to draw the conclusion that love is bad and should be avoided.  If being in love can lead to “withdrawal” on the same level as illicit drugs, it seems rational to avoid being in love.  I have argued many times with other “experts” about the biological basis of psychology… I don’t buy it.  My second issue with Winch is his advice… write a list of all the horrible things about your ex to help you get over them.  This idea totally discounts the fact (at least I think it’s a fact) that love is not logical.  I wrote out a list of all of Lena’s “negatives” and all of the reasons we were “not right” for one another.  You know what?  It did not change the fact one fucking bit that I loved her!  Love is not logical.  I am sure it was not logical for Lena and I to get married.  I know for a fact that her mother gave her many reasons why I was a bad choice for her.  I could easily come up with a list of why I am a bad choice for anyone.  I was perfectly aware of reasons why she wasn’t “perfect” even when I was actively falling in love with her.  If healing a broken heart was as easy as making a shit list about the ex… then maybe it wasn’t really love to start with.

I fully realize that we live in a disposable society.  Your TV breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Your oven breaks, don’t fix it… throw it out and buy a new one.  Many people, who can afford to, even treat cars this way… Oh the car has 50,000 miles… better get rid of it and buy a new one.  And… now… we treat relationships the same way.  Your marriage is “broken,” don’t worry… throw it out and get a new one.  Think I am over simplifying?  Look on Amazon for books on divorce.  They are almost all written for women… and they all seem to be saying that divorce is the woman’s answer to all of life’s ills.

This first book almost made me want to commit hara kiri!  It’s all about the “sisterhood of divorce.”  Seriously. Vomit.

“For the more than one million women who get divorced each year, welcome to your support group… Wise, comforting, and uplifting, The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce captures the experience of sisterhood through the voices of its authors and their community of women in the Maplewood Divorce Club”

“Crazy Time offers a sense of hope and confidence that this transition is not only an ending but can also be a valuable beginning.”

Here’s a guide on “protecting your financial future,” i.e. How to screw your husband financially.

“Begin your single life knowing you have made the thoughtful decisions required to help establish your long-term financial security.
Think Financially, Not Emotionally® as you look ahead to a bright future for yourself and your children. ”

I have always said that unfortunately we humans only grow through the negative experiences in our lives.  But, does that mean we should create negative experiences just to grow?

“Deb Purdy provides a welcomed road map for transforming the trauma of divorce into a positive, life-changing experience. As a marriage and family therapist, I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with emotional challenges after divorce.” Dan Valentine, Ph.D.

What ever happened to the value of working things out?  Is there no value in staying with someone through the good times and the bad?  Why do we even keep those words in wedding vows when they seem to have no meaning what-so-ever today.  I don’t like our throw away society whether it’s about material items or especially people.  I don’t want to be the kind of person who can just get over an 8 year relationship like it’s a busted toaster.  Seriously… that’s how people talk to me… as if I should just move on as if it were nothing.  Many people in our society seem to act like this.  Half of all marriages end in divorce.  Sixty percent of second marriages end in divorce.  The majority of kids I know are the kids of divorce.  All of this despite research showing that marriage makes for healthier adults and healthier children.  But I am the mentally ill one because I don’t want to “just move on.”

I am a Loser… It’s OK.

On March 11, 2018 Lena told me that I was a loser.  We were talking about my brother, Andy’s, children and I mentioned that Andy wasn’t taking my advice.  Lena turned around and looked at me and said, “Why would he listen to you.  What have you done…”  The end of the sentence kind of trailed off, but the message was clear.  What had I done with my life?  I, after all, was a loser.  It was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me.  I didn’t say anything at the time but it devastated me inside.  It was then that I knew our marriage was over as far as Lena was concerned.  She had no respect for me at all.  I assume she had some respect for me when we got marriage, but at some point all that was left was anger and a total lack of love and respect for me.

I have suffered with mental illness from the earliest years of my childhood.  I was openly suicidal by the time I was ten years old.  As a child and young adult I never had dreams of what I wanted for the future or what I wanted to be when I grew up… because I had no intention of growing older.  As a high school student I could not imagine living into my twenties.  I didn’t care about grades or doing well on standardized tests because I didn’t think I would live long enough to go to or finish college.  Throughout college I never thought that I would live long enough to graduate; so I made NO plans for an adult life post college.  When I did graduate I didn’t have dreams or hopes to live up to or fulfill.  I got married shortly after graduating and started my own business, but even engaging in these seemingly “rooting” tasks, I did not think of the future and was actively suicidal.  In my mid to late twenties, after my two serious suicide attempts, the doctors told my family that I would most likely never live to see thirty years old.  So… as a kid I didn’t care much about grades and as a young adult I didn’t care much at all about money because I did not think I would live long enough for those things to matter.  If you combine that lack of caring about grades and money with the fact that I have suffered with various mental illnesses such as depression, suicidality (which is a separate illness and not just a symptom of depression), ADD, and some anti-social traits… I guess it would be fair to say that by societal standards, I have always been a loser and that I remain one to this day.

The first half of my life was spent as a student where despite being “obviously bright” I never did particularly well.  I graduated from both high school and college with a 2.9 GPA.  I got a 1070 on my SATs.  Considering that I come from a very academically oriented family and that I have an IQ that has tested anywhere from the mid 120s to mid 140s, my scholastic life was a continual question of when would I fulfill my potential?  As an adult I have never been financially independent.  I have worked some, here and there, but never earned enough to support myself.  I have lived in homes owned by my parents or my wives.  If it were not for my parents and wives there were many times that I would have ended up homeless and hungry… and if that had happened, I would have simply killed myself… without deliberation.

Despite all of the changes during the last seventy years surrounding acceptable roles for women in our culture, societal norms for men have changed very little.  Men are judged by their ability to provide financially for their family.  Our society measures a man’s worth by his net worth.  If given a choice, the parents of most young women would rather their daughters marry a doctor or lawyer over an artist.  The doctor or lawyer is statistically much more likely to be able to support a young family than is an artist, many of whom spend a great deal of their lives living in poverty.  Women can choose a career or choose to stay at home with children and either choice is acceptable to society.  Men have choices in their lives but should be prepared to be judged more harshly than women based on career choices.

Manya-Milaslava (think of a large bitter mean old Russian woman who demands her family glorify her), my mother-in-law, never supported Lena and me getting married.  Her objections were so loud that Lena had to give her mother an ultimatum the week before the wedding: come and be quietly supportive or don’t come at all.  Throughout the seven years of our marriage Manya was always whispering in Lena’s ear that I was a loser and that she could do better and deserved better.  Manya berated me as a loser to my face more than once.  It should be noted that Manya never liked or got along with anyone Lena was with for very long.  Lena’s mother was a large factor in her first marriage falling apart and in our marriage ending.  I once joked with Lena that my only solace was knowing that her mother was so mentally ill herself that she wouldn’t be able to help herself but to be a bitch to the next guy.

My friends and family will tell me that I am not a loser… and I love them for their support.  They will point out my many talents and tell me that I have a big heart.  All of that is true but may, in fact, prove the loser point.  Despite my many talents and my tremendous potential, I have never been a fully autonomous individual.  I am not saying here that I am a loser definitively… just by societal standards.  And, that’s OK.

Invalidated, Unaccepted and Rejected

 

I saw this meme online {No one should have to live their life in silence because they’re scared of being invalidated.} and it really made me think about the circumstances that I accepted surrounding the reconciliation with Lena last fall.  Last October, when Lena told me she wanted a divorce, I was in shock and desperately wanted to work things out with her.  I was so desperate that I agreed to circumstances that had no chances of survival.  I gave Lena everything that she asked for and asked not nothing in return, other than to not get divorced.  Part of what Lena needed from me was for me to be in Westchester full-time, to get along with everyone there and for us to have a “normal life” in Westchester.  In order for me to make this request a reality I had to constantly bite my tongue.  Day in and day out was an exercise in me keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself both inside our home and in public.  Even our therapist, Ralph, said this was an impossible scenario to keep up.

This notion of a “normal life” had come up numerous times during our seven year marriage.  Lena married me knowing all of my history.  She knew about my suicide attempts.  She knew about my depressions.  She knew about my totally dysfunctional family of origin.  She knew about my first failed marriage to Ava and the fiasco of a relationship I had with Jessamyn.  Lena knew about all of my hospitalizations and all of my psychiatric history.  So, one can imagine, it came as somewhat of a shock a year into our marriage when Lena said, “I am a normal person.  I want a normal life and a normal marriage.  I need you to be normal.”  This totally blew me away!

Aside from all of my psychiatric history, which was obviously significant, separate from all of that I was never “normal.”  I never wanted to be “normal.”  I had always been an outspoken critic of our government and politically correct social trends.  I had been a long-time and vocal supporter of various underdogs.  I had a long history of writing about my thoughts and predictions for the whole world to read.  I had always been known as someone who told people just how things were; there was no beating around the bush with me.  There was no way I wanted to be a quiet, sheltered, spineless, voiceless suburban mouse!!!!

The first time Lena brought up this issue of desiring normalcy I really wasn’t sure how to react and probably just ignored her.  If she wanted normal, she married the wrong guy.  I am not sure if she had any idea of how hurtful this was on her part.  Her expressing her desire for normalcy was a direct act of invalidating who I was.  She married me knowing exactly what and who I was; and then immediately expected me to change to something completely different.  Why do women marry a man and then try to change him?  If she wanted me to be different she should have told me before we got married.

I don’t remember exactly when certain things were said, but at some point Lena went as far as to say, “You are not a mental patient anymore.”  I assumed, at the time, that she was saying this in a positive way… as in, look how far you have come from the days when your mental illness dominated every aspect of your life.  She may have meant it nicely, but in fact, it was very dismissive of me, my history and in part of my very identity.  There was a point in my life where I allowed my designation as a mental patient to define who I was.  At some point in life, starting before I married Lena, I no longer defined myself by my illnesses.  There were, however, some things that were still important to me that Lena never gave credence to… such as the anniversaries of my suicide attempts.  She never remembered them… she never asked how I was around those times.  To people who have been through what I have, those dates are important.  There were also times of each year that tended to be harder for me, specifically the months of March and November.  I always seemed to struggle more in those months.  Again, Lena either didn’t remember this, despite me telling her several times, or she just didn’t care.  Our marriage ended on a horrible note… in March.

Perhaps I expected too much of Lena because of her work.  Lena is a molecular biologist who studied the biology of suicide.  I thought that she had a better understanding of psychology and specifically of suicide.  Apparently, one can study the biology of suicide, and be good at it, and not understand the psychology of suicide at all.  I also mistakenly thought she was more in tune to me.

 

This image is for artistic representation of a feeling only. It does not represent any threat or intention to harm myself.

This self portrait displays how I felt… I could not speak because Lena had a gun to my head… If I spoke my mind, she would end the marriage.  I was being emotionally held hostage.  I feared Lena would become my Natasha; my father’s third wife who beat his spirit dead and held him emotionally hostage.

Dear Lena… Yesterday Sucked.

Dear Lena,

Yesterday was a horrible day.  It really sucked.  My mother had a car accident and called me one the phone upset and asking me to come down and help her out.  As I pulled into her driveway I got the text from you saying you had gone to a lawyer to initiate the divorce process.

I can’t say that the text came out of the blue; after all, we have been separated for five weeks and have had zero communication for almost two weeks.  As I read that text my stomach churned.  I almost threw up in the car and I felt like someone had hit me in the groin with a 20 lbs sledgehammer.  I felt dizzy and my arrhythmia instantly kicked into high gear.  I felt like I did when I shot myself in the chest.  I stood outside my car for a minute expecting to collapse.  I really felt like I might die right then and there.  I am not that lucky.

I know that all you did was call the lawyer.  I know you have every right to move forward with a divorce and with your life.  I know all of this in my head.  I can even give several reasons why we didn’t work out in the past or why it wouldn’t make sense for us to try again.  I know we were both unkind to each other at times and especially at the very end.  I know I made mistakes.  I am well aware of my many imperfections.  I know living with me is hard… apparently impossible.  I can be grumpy and depressed, sullen and removed, angry and loud, introverted and un-affectionate… I know all of this.  Yet despite knowing all of this, I am emotionally devastated.  I feel as if I am dying inside.

Yesterday I also realized it wasn’t just the romantic aspects of our relationship that I missed; although I definitely do miss that too.  I miss our friendship… the one we had at the beginning and the first few years of our marriage.  I miss talking to you about your research.  Once you started the new job we lost that connection.  So many things changed four and half years ago.

I know there is no going backwards in life.  I just wish we could find some different way forward that included us rather than a divided divorced us.  There were many good times, yet the bad times seem to crowd out those good memories.  I keep thinking about Montreal and Hilton Head… strawberry picking and trips to our river.  Even the “little” things like holding you are night when we went to sleep and bringing you coffee in the morning.

I also don’t understand how we both can say the other is the love of our lives, yet we can’t find some way to make things work.  If you are the love of my life and I am the love of your life… and we can’t find a way to stay married then love is worthless and I don’t ever want to be in love again.  I guess that despite the rough exterior, I am still that kid who believed that love could conquer all.  If love doesn’t conquer all… If we, with our love, can’t conquer all… then what is the point of love?  What’s the point of life without a love than can indeed conquer all?

Love’s Delusions & Love Matured

I have been away from Lena for five weeks at this point.  One thing that has become crystal clear this past month is that love does truly blind us.  Love changes how we see the object of our desire.  Love allows us to let the little things, that would otherwise upset us, go.  Love has such enormous power over our brains that it can even change the way we see someone physically with our eyes.  Love often doesn’t make sense.

I spent most of the day yesterday feeling sad because I miss Lena so… despite the fact that she pushed me away… despite the fact that she has cruelly cut off all communication between us and between me and her kids whom I helped raise for eight years.  I miss her even though intellectually I can give ten reasons why we weren’t a good match for one another.  I yearn for her even though she was really unfair to me in our marriage and I can now see that she never accepted me for who I really am.  My heart physically aches even though Lena was often neither kind, loving or caring.  I don’t want to give the wrong impression here.  Lena is an amazing woman.  I love her with all of my heart and soul.

It’s very interesting to me… as I have been living through this round of heartbreak, I have noticed that some things are very different from love sorrows of the past.  People ask me, “What do you miss about Lena?”   I miss bringing her coffee in the mornings.  I miss wrapping my arm tightly around her as we fell asleep.  I miss washing her back and shampooing her hair.  I miss watching her dress in the morning and pulling the zipper up on her dress.  I miss cooking dinner for the kids and watching them enjoy it.  I miss watching the kids sporting events.  Almost all of the things I actively miss are things I did for Lena and her kids.  Whereas, during past episodes of heartbreak many of the things I missed were things the person had done for me.  Does this mean I have matured?  Am I less of the narcissistic prick I used to be?

I could very easily find someone else to bring coffee to… but I don’t find myself interested in doing these things for someone else.  Despite the negatives I now see more clearly as love’s blinders have been removed with time away from Lena…I still miss her.  I still ache in my very soul for her.  I still love her.

Love alters reality.  This isn’t just true of romantic love; it’s also true of familial love – but that is for another post.

Deals with the Devil Never Work Out

In the fall of 2017 I was working in Vermont.  Each morning I would either talk to or text with Lena.  On the morning of October 4th, I was texting with her about the up coming weekend and my plans to come down and spend time with her and the kids.  Lena texted me that she didn’t think I should come down.  It wasn’t really clear what she meant and I pushed her to explain.  Lena told me in a text message that she wanted to end our marriage.  She said she could not go on like this anymore and that she deserved to be happy.  She kept saying, “I have to do this for me and for my kids.”

I was devastated.  I knew things could be better.  I knew that some key aspects of our marriage were not the way Lena would have chosen them to be at this point.  When we first started dating and got married, I had a home and some work in upstate New York while Lena and her children lived full time in Rivertown NY.  At the time of our marriage I agreed to spend up to half of my time down in Rivertown with Lena and the kids and I would attempt to build some business down there.  This was an unconventional arrangement that many people did not understand.  I thought Lena understood it and why I needed to not live downstate full time.

Let me back up a little… I grew up on Long Island and as a child my parents had a second home in Southern Vermont.  We spent many weekends, most school vacations and every summer up in Vermont.  I always loved Vermont and was determined to live there some day as a child.  During the five years I was in college I dropped out two or three times, each time moving to Vermont for a few months.  After being in Vermont for a while I would feel refreshed… like my batteries had been recharged.  I would return to school and get through a few semesters before dropping out again and hibernating in Vermont to refuel my soul.

The last year of my marriage to Ava we were living in College Station GA.  When Ava asked for a divorce I could have moved anywhere.  I moved to Vermont full time.  Although I did attempt suicide twice while living in Vermont, I still maintain that there is something very therapeutic about living in the mountain and being out in nature.  For several years I owned a property maintenance business which kept me busy working outside year round.  The work was both physically demanding and emotionally undemanding…. a combination that allowed me to heal in many ways.

When I started dating Lena I was determined to learn from my mistakes of the past.  I was 100% honest with her.  I told her all about my suicide attempts, my marriage and divorce from Ava.  She heard countless stories about my dysfunctional family as a child.  I told her about all of my shortcomings and issues.  I made sure that at every step forward Lena knew exactly what she was getting into.  I told her that I could never live downstate full-time; I needed my time in the country to regroup and maintain my sanity and physical health.

So, back to October 2017… Lena ended our marriage in a text message.  I was devastated.  All of the progress I had thought I had made the past 20 years, in terms of my suicidal ideation, flew out the window.  I almost immediately started having panic attacks whenever I left the house at first; then even at home, so all of the time.  I wanted to be dead.  I told Lena that I could not live without her and that I wanted to be dead.  I posted numerous sad songs (YouTube videos) on Facebook.  I wrote on Facebook that even with all of the pain I had been through previously in my life, this was the worst pain ever.  Lena said my behavior, the post on Facebook, were crazy.  That will be another entry here.

I did feel crazy for about a week.  I also was acting in a manipulative manner… texting Lena my suicidal thoughts and desires.  A week into this total shit storm I still did not really know why this had happened then.  I called up Lena and begged her to speak with me on the phone and to just give me some explanation.  I said that she at least owed me that much.  We did speak and she gave me some of her reasons but we didn’t really get to the meat of the matter.  After the phone call I agreed to not bother her anymore.

Several days past during which I stopped posting “crazy” stuff on Facebook and I did not reach out at all to Lena.  One night, about two weeks after the initial break up text, Lena reached out to me via a Facebook message.  I was asleep at the time but did return her text the next morning.  We ended up speaking on the phone.  At this time Lena said she could no longer live with the arrangement we made when we got married… my living down with her and the kids only 50% of the time.  She said she asked for the divorce because she knew how much I loved the country and that I needed my time there.  She said she still loved me, was still in love with me and missed me.  We both ended up crying on the phone.

What Lena did not know was that after our phone call, before her texting me, I had made a deal with the Devil.  After the “explanation phone call” I had promised myself that if Lena changed her mind and was ever willing to try again, I would do anything she asked without hesitation regardless of what it was.  I  also promised myself that I would keep my mouth shut about anything that might be bothering me in Rivertown or in our home there.  It was a promise made in total desperation.  When Lena did reach out a few days later I came through on that promise to myself.

Lena wanted a “normal life” and a “normal marriage.”  She wanted us to live together full-time.  She wanted me to get a regular job.  Lena said she did not think I would be willing to do these things so she felt she had no other choice but to end the marriage.  I said, “I will move down there next week.  Full-time.  Period.”  I even told her that I would get a real job.

Lena and I ended up reconciling.  I packed up a few things and closed down my house.  I quit working and just walked away from my life in the country.  I moved down to Rivertown at the end of October 2017.  The problem with promises or deals made in desperation is that it’s almost impossible to keep them and remain sane and true to oneself.

The first few weeks living with Lena and the kids full-time was really nice.  However, almost from the very first day I was there I found myself biting my tongue.  At first it was just once in a while because at the beginning we were all in love again like when we first started dating.  As time went by I found myself biting my tongue about all kinds of things day in and day out. It was a constant effort on my part.  I knew to some degree that I was not being fair to myself but I said I was doing it “for our marriage.”  Also, no one can hold in all negative emotions or comments without some eventual blow up.  When I did finally blow up, which I will write about soon, I said something I can never take back and forever changed my relationship with Lena.

Life Lesson:  Don’t ever make promises out of fear or desperation.  They never hold true in the long run.