Tag: BREAK UP

Lena’s Perspective

Many people ask me why my marriage to Lena failed. We seemed so happy and so in love to many people. Sometimes, looking back on the marriage I have a hard time clearly stating what went wrong or why we couldn’t make it. I always tell people that we did love one another very much… at least I know that I loved her with all my heart. I try to not paint a negative picture of Lena… part of me will always love her.

Below is a free flow writing that Lena shared with me after our first separation but after we had agreed to reconcile. I recognize a lot of what she writes about and certainly validate her feelings. There are some point which I feel would look much different in context and several of the point require more back story. None-the-less, here is why the marriage didn’t work from Lena’s perspective.

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From: Lena Cole
Date: October 24, 2017
Subject: I’m sorry and I love you

The kids winter concerts, always angry never smiling always bitter, focused on Richard’s discomfort with people rather than kids. Kids felt it , I felt it. Kids were little, and no the concerts weren’t great, but couldn’t give them the reinforcement they were looking for. You guys did awesome even if they squeaked the whole time. Not something he can do. Something I noticed and so did the kids. I compensated. Always had the attitude that he had to withhold compliment until somebody did something amazing. He could never just give praise. Praise had to be earned, but for ages 6-10 kids shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise from their stepdad. I shouldn’t have to work so hard to get praise form my husband. Lots of holier than thou attitude with little to show for it. Kids an I learned to live without it. Yes more independent and yes less needy of attention from anyone and yes more confident in our own abilities , but resulted in a lot of disconnect from Richard. Richard’s opinions good or bad became irrelevant.

Music. Kids and I were made to feel like our tastes were inferior. Richards taste in the classics and old school music was the one and only right thing to listen to. All others were made to feel less important less enjoyable, just less…This went so far that , it was a contentious point repeatedly during car rides,…suggestions were made to isolate Richard from the rest of us. Sound proof walls, dungeons in the basement. Live with us, but isolate…no compromise, blasting music from the basement, wanting to run away trying to keep the peace between my husband trying to be state his will and my children being children and not understanding this person I brought into the house.

TV, Richard gets to choose…everything else kills brain cells, with the exception of sponge bob. Sponge bob was Richard approved. Now kids isolate to their rooms and Richard can watch Archie Bunker and all sitcoms from the 70s to his hearts content.

Weekends, Westchester suburbia…the mall, the drivers, the judgment all the time of the golden hoochies. Not liking anyone finding fault with everyone. Vocalizing that in front of the kids. Anti Rivertown, anti-school, anti –parents of many of ht e kids friends, anti-teachers in Rivertown. All the political rants, some of which made it to the kids, pinkos and commies…words my kids did not learn from me

The basement, is Richard coming? Is he coming out with us? Not going places not making plans, not having friends over because they were liberals. Richard sitting with his mouth shut and fake smile or no smile, starting at phone or behind camera . Disengaged. People asking me? Is he OK? He’s fine…in pain..stomach hurts…didn’t sleep…migraine. Always making excuses for the pained expression and the lack of engagement. Embarrassed hurt

Sex…would like to orgasm without masturbating. Take the time, show me you love me enough to learn my body

Work, money…the sentiment of being retired, of not being marketable of not wanting to work and not wanting to try
Of being satisfied without income, of being satisfied with me covering everything. Not willing to try not willing to do anything to keep us afloat. Not finishing anything. NO results, damaged relationships with everyone that can provide money.

Attitude of a porcupine

Feeling alone with him or without him

The Facebook Dilemma and a Serious Regret

I recognize that in the scheme of life Facebook shouldn’t be very important.  As I am going through this separation I am painfully aware of the role of Facebook both in connecting me with Lena and the role it now plays in my OCD missing her.

Lena and I first met when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman.  We dated for a very short while and went our separate ways.  We had no contact for 17 years and then we found one another again, of all places on Facebook.  We spoke for about a month and then started dating.  At some point we changed our “relationship status” to in a relationship… then to engaged… and finally to married.

On my Facebook profile I had an album entitled “Lena & Kids” which eventually had more than 800 pictures chronicling our relationship.  I received so many comments about the photos in that album… people could tell how much I loved Lena and her children.

When Lena confirmed that she wanted me to move out and that she was done working on our marriage I was so hurt.  Hurt beyond words.  Lena is the love of my life.  I had turned my own life upside down to give Lena what she wanted.  I had been part of her childrens’ lives for 8 years.  I had watched them grow up.  Now, with just a blink of the eye it was all gone.  She had given up on us… on me.  She wanted me gone.  She didn’t want me to have contact with her or the kids.  I was besides myself.

In a response to that hurt I deleted the photo album on Facebook of Lena and the kids.  Almost as soon as I had deleted it, I regretted it; and regret it more now.  Like I said, Facebook is insignificant in the expanse of life… but that album represented something that I was so proud of and something that brought me a lot of happiness… my family.  I would give a lot to be able to undo that delete, but I cannot.  I have all of the photos on my computer, but it’s not the same.  I am sorry that I deleted that album.  I try to not have regrets in life because they don’t do any good… but I do regret this.

I now face a dilemma and I don’t want to create another major regret.  Lena has cut off all communication with me.  After I moved out we did not speak but there was an occasional text.  One night when I was in particular distress Lena did talk with me on the phone but there has been no communication since that night.  Lena and I are still “friends” on Facebook.  As such we can see each others’ pages and pictures.  We can also chat on Facebook Messenger.  One of the features of Facebook Messenger is that you can see when a friend is online and if they have read your text to them.

One of the hardest parts of the separation for me is that Lena and I don’t speak at all.  This is someone with whom I spoke to every single day for 8 years.  Even during bad times we still spoke every day.  When I was in Irvington we slept together every single night.  Most nights I fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her.  I cherished her… she was the center of my life, even if she didn’t know it (for which I am very sorry).

The end of communication set of horrible anxiety.  There are times when the anxiety is so bad that I cannot help myself… I text her.  Most of the time the text is just a smiley emoji or a kissy face emoji.  Once in a while I actually text words… most of the time, “I love you” or “I miss you.”  She doesn’t respond.  But… I can tell when she is on Messenger and I can tell that she has or has not read the texts.

If you have never suffered from anxiety or panic attacks you really cannot understand how debilitating it can be.  The first two weeks I was gone the anxiety was so bad that I actually developed a physical arrhythmia.  I had chest pain on a daily basis that felt like I was having a heart attack.  The anxiety was sustained and never ending and led to me having a migraine headache for more than two weeks straight.  I felt like I would die… and that was OK with me.

In two days it will be one month since I have seen Lena.  I still have anxiety every day.  I still miss her so frick’n much!  Luckily, I don’t have the arrhythmia most days at this point and the migraine has subsided for the most part.  But I still obsessively check Facebook Messenger to see if she is online or if she has seen the latest emoji I texted.

A couple of days ago I even sent Lena a text asking why she hasn’t unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook.  No response.  So… my dilemma… should I block her?  By blocking her I wouldn’t be able to see when she is online.  I wouldn’t be able to text her anymore.  Blocking her would force me to stop my obsessive behavior… but it would also be final.  I know that if I freaked out after blocking her and then unblocked her – she would not accept a new friend request.  So I need to be 100% sure before I do anything… and it all sucks.  I can’t bring myself to block her.  I can’t stop myself from looking at her profile picture.  I don’t seem to be able to stop sending her emojis.  I fully realize this makes me sound totally pathetic… that’s what a broken heart will do to a man.

Life Lessons:  Think before you act.  Seriously.  I know this sounds simple and obvious.  Don’t make decisions out of anger.  Ten seconds can effect the rest of your life.