On March 11, 2018 Lena told me that I was a loser. We were talking about my brother, Andy’s, children and I mentioned that Andy wasn’t taking my advice. Lena turned around and looked at me and said, “Why would he listen to you. What have you done…” The end of the sentence kind of trailed off, but the message was clear. What had I done with my life? I, after all, was a loser. It was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. I didn’t say anything at the time but it devastated me inside. It was then that I knew our marriage was over as far as Lena was concerned. She had no respect for me at all. I assume she had some respect for me when we got marriage, but at some point all that was left was anger and a total lack of love and respect for me.
I have suffered with mental illness from the earliest years of my childhood. I was openly suicidal by the time I was ten years old. As a child and young adult I never had dreams of what I wanted for the future or what I wanted to be when I grew up… because I had no intention of growing older. As a high school student I could not imagine living into my twenties. I didn’t care about grades or doing well on standardized tests because I didn’t think I would live long enough to go to or finish college. Throughout college I never thought that I would live long enough to graduate; so I made NO plans for an adult life post college. When I did graduate I didn’t have dreams or hopes to live up to or fulfill. I got married shortly after graduating and started my own business, but even engaging in these seemingly “rooting” tasks, I did not think of the future and was actively suicidal. In my mid to late twenties, after my two serious suicide attempts, the doctors told my family that I would most likely never live to see thirty years old. So… as a kid I didn’t care much about grades and as a young adult I didn’t care much at all about money because I did not think I would live long enough for those things to matter. If you combine that lack of caring about grades and money with the fact that I have suffered with various mental illnesses such as depression, suicidality (which is a separate illness and not just a symptom of depression), ADD, and some anti-social traits… I guess it would be fair to say that by societal standards, I have always been a loser and that I remain one to this day.
The first half of my life was spent as a student where despite being “obviously bright” I never did particularly well. I graduated from both high school and college with a 2.9 GPA. I got a 1070 on my SATs. Considering that I come from a very academically oriented family and that I have an IQ that has tested anywhere from the mid 120s to mid 140s, my scholastic life was a continual question of when would I fulfill my potential? As an adult I have never been financially independent. I have worked some, here and there, but never earned enough to support myself. I have lived in homes owned by my parents or my wives. If it were not for my parents and wives there were many times that I would have ended up homeless and hungry… and if that had happened, I would have simply killed myself… without deliberation.
Despite all of the changes during the last seventy years surrounding acceptable roles for women in our culture, societal norms for men have changed very little. Men are judged by their ability to provide financially for their family. Our society measures a man’s worth by his net worth. If given a choice, the parents of most young women would rather their daughters marry a doctor or lawyer over an artist. The doctor or lawyer is statistically much more likely to be able to support a young family than is an artist, many of whom spend a great deal of their lives living in poverty. Women can choose a career or choose to stay at home with children and either choice is acceptable to society. Men have choices in their lives but should be prepared to be judged more harshly than women based on career choices.
Manya-Milaslava (think of a large bitter mean old Russian woman who demands her family glorify her), my mother-in-law, never supported Lena and me getting married. Her objections were so loud that Lena had to give her mother an ultimatum the week before the wedding: come and be quietly supportive or don’t come at all. Throughout the seven years of our marriage Manya was always whispering in Lena’s ear that I was a loser and that she could do better and deserved better. Manya berated me as a loser to my face more than once. It should be noted that Manya never liked or got along with anyone Lena was with for very long. Lena’s mother was a large factor in her first marriage falling apart and in our marriage ending. I once joked with Lena that my only solace was knowing that her mother was so mentally ill herself that she wouldn’t be able to help herself but to be a bitch to the next guy.
My friends and family will tell me that I am not a loser… and I love them for their support. They will point out my many talents and tell me that I have a big heart. All of that is true but may, in fact, prove the loser point. Despite my many talents and my tremendous potential, I have never been a fully autonomous individual. I am not saying here that I am a loser definitively… just by societal standards. And, that’s OK.